Improving Your Self Image

Improving your self-image, like improving any skill, takes time and practice. Developing good self-esteem involves encouraging a positive (but realistic) attitude toward yourself and the world around you and appreciating your worth, while at the same time behaving responsibly towards others. Self-esteem isn't self-absorption; it's self-respect.

By working from the inside out (focusing on changing your own way of thinking before changing the circumstances around you), you can build your self-esteem. The goal of this positive thinking is to give yourself a more positive self-concept, while seeing yourself honestly and accepting yourself, and removing the internal barriers that can keep you from doing your best.

Positive Thinking

There are many ways a person can change negative thoughts and self-criticism to more realistic and positive thoughts. Focusing on all of them at once may be overwhelming, but focusing on a few at a time and reminding yourself of these positive approaches regularly can change your self-esteem.
Read the positive thought strategies below and choose several that would help you most. Write them down and remind yourself to pause and change your way of thinking each time you are being critical of yourself. As you become more comfortable with each new way of thinking (for example, learning not to apologize or accept blame for other's anger) try adding a new positive thought strategy to your list.

Positive Thought Strategies

• Avoid exaggerations.
  Correct your internal voice when it exaggerates, especially when it exaggerates the negative. Try to avoid thinking in extreme terms ("I always make that mistake" or "I'll never get that promotion.")
• Nip negative thoughts in the bud.
  Sometimes putting a stop on negative thinking is as easy as that. The next time you start giving yourself an internal browbeating, tell yourself to "stop it!" If you saw a person yelling insults at another person, you would probably tell them to stop. Why do you accept that behavior from yourself?
• Accentuate the positive.
  Instead of focusing on what you think are your negative qualities, accentuate your strengths and assets. Maybe you didn't ace the test you were studying for, but maybe your hard work and perseverance led to a better grade than you would have had. Maybe you felt nervous and self-conscious when giving a presentation at work, but maybe your boss and coworkers respected you for getting up and trying.
• Accept flaws and being human.
  Maybe you did get nervous and blow that presentation at work - so what? Talk to your boss about what went wrong, try to address the error in the future, and move on. All people have flaws and make mistakes. Your boss, coworkers, friends, family, postman, congressman, and favorite movie star have all made mistakes. They've forgiven themselves; so can you.
• Accept imperfections.
  Perfection is a high goal to aim for -- you don't need to start there or even end there. Make doing your best your ideal -- what more can you realistically do? Focus on what you've gained from the process and how you can use it in the future. Avoid focusing on what wasn't done or 'should have' been done differently. Allow yourself to make mistakes and then forgive yourself. Try laughing instead of criticizing.
• Don't bully yourself!
  "Should have, could have, would have ... " Try not to constantly second guess yourself, criticize yourself for what you "should" have done better, or expect too much from yourself. Don't put standards on yourself that you wouldn't expect from others. It's great to want to do well, but expecting yourself to be perfect (which is impossible) and then punishing yourself when you fail is a vicious cycle. Using expressions like "I should have" is just a way of punishing yourself after the fact.
• Replace criticism with encouragement.
  Instead of nagging or focusing on the negative (in yourself and others), replace your criticism with encouragement. Give constructive criticism instead of being critical ("maybe if I tried to do ____ next time, it would be even better" instead of "I didn't do that right.") Compliment yourself and those around you on what you have achieved ("well, we may not have done it all, but we did a pretty great job with what we did".)
• Don't feel guilty about things beyond your control.
  You are not to blame every time something goes wrong or someone has a problem. Apologizing for things and accepting blame can be a positive quality, if you are in the wrong and if you learn and move on. But you shouldn't feel responsible for all problems or assume you are to blame whenever someone is upset.
• Don't feel responsible for everything.
  Just as everything is not your fault, not everything is your responsibility. It's okay to be helpful, but don't feel the need to be all things (and do all things) for all people. This is taking too much of a burden on yourself AND limiting those around you. Let others be responsible for themselves and their actions -- you shouldn't feel responsible for their happiness.
• Do feel responsible for your feelings.
  Just as you can't "make" other people happy, don't expect others to "make" you feel happy or good about yourself. In the same way, they shouldn't make you feel guilty or bad about yourself. You create your own feelings and make your own decisions. People and events may have an affect on your emotions, but they can't dictate them.
• Treat yourself kindly.
  People often feel more comfortable treating themselves in ways they wouldn't consider treating others. Do you criticize yourself with terms like "stupid" "ugly" or "loser"? Would you use those terms to describe a friend? Remind yourself that you deserve to be treated as well as you treat others. Do something nice for yourself sometimes -- either in thought (give yourself a compliment) or action (treat yourself to a nice dinner or new book.)
• Give yourself a break.
  You don't need to be all things to all people or please everyone. Give yourself permission to decide you're doing the best you can. Remind yourself when you're doing things well -- don't wait to hear it from someone else.
• Choose the brighter side of things.
  You can choose how to interpret comments and events, so try for the more positive interpretations. If someone says, "You look good today," don't ask yourself "What was wrong with the way I looked yesterday?" Accept compliments graciously (don't ask yourself why you haven't been complemented on something else or why you haven't complemented you before.) Look at temporary setbacks as opportunities for growth.
• Forgive and forget.
  Try not to hang on to painful memories and bad feelings - this is a surefire way to encourage negative thoughts and bad moods. Your past can control you if you don't control it. If you can, forgive past wrongs and move on. (Don't forget that forgiving yourself is an important part of this process, too!) If you have a hard time forgiving or forgetting, consider talking through your emotions with a good friend or counselor, but try not to dwell. It's important to work through things, but you can't let the past determine your future.
• Focus on what you CAN do, not what you can't.
  Avoid "can't" thinking or other negative language. If you say something often enough, you may start to believe it, so keep your statements positive, not negative. Don't be afraid to seek help in accomplishing things, but remind yourself that you don't need approval from others to recognize your accomplishments. Focus on what you're able to do. Remind yourself of all your capabilities and positive qualities.

Striving for Family Unity

00609_000_003 It has been said that if you think you know a perfect family, you don’t know the family very well!

This suggests that all of us have periodic challenges in establishing and maintaining love and unity within our families. Yet, in large measure, our challenge to teach and nurture our children in a way that will qualify us as eternal families defines our mission here on earth.

In his epistle to the Ephesians, the Apostle Paul emphasized the importance of “perfecting … the saints” and reaching a “unity of the faith” (Ephesians 4:12–13). With this “unity,” Paul counseled that the Saints would “be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive” (Ephesians 4:14). What a magnificent promise—especially for parents!

Love of families and fellow men was the keystone of the Savior’s ministry. To His disciples, He said, “This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you” (John 15:12). Less than a year following the organization of the restored Church, the Lord told the Saints in Fayette, New York, “I say unto you, be one; and if ye are not one ye are not mine” (D&C 38:27).

The teachings of living prophets and apostles as summarized in “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” make clear our responsibilities to our families:

“Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another. … Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.”¹

Amid all the counsel we have been given about nurturing our children in love and unity, as parents we must decide how we can best accomplish this challenging but eternally compelling task. Some of the following principles and ideas may provide help in uniting our families in love and truth.

Unity of Parents

Unity in the family begins with a loving parental relationship that sets an example for the family and extends in a personal way to each child.

President David O. McKay often credited his father and mother for the love and unity experienced in their family. He said: “Most gratefully and humbly I cherish the remembrance that never once as a lad in the home of my youth did I ever see one instance of discord between father and mother, and that goodwill and mutual understanding has been the uniting bond that has held together a fortunate group of brothers and sisters. Unity, harmony, goodwill are virtues to be fostered and cherished in every home.”²

Loving, Trusting Relationships

Studies have shown that in most families, children’s self-confidence and sense of personal worth are directly related to the quality of their relationships with their parents³ and how parents have taught and lived basic principles of the gospel.

As our children become teenagers, they frequently rely on things that will endear them to their peers. Unless a strong bond of love and trust has been established between parents and children, supported by a strong spiritual environment in the home, children’s loyalties tend to move to peers as they become teenagers. As children develop confidence in themselves and strong testimonies of the Savior, they add a special spirit of unity and happiness to their families and have strength to resist the pressures of the world.

President Gordon B. Hinckley has counseled: “I would like to see greater love in our homes. … You parents who are fathers and mothers of children, treasure your children. Look to them with love. Lead them … with love. … They will follow after you if you do that. And I make you a promise that if you do so, the time will come when you will feel so grateful that you have done so, that you will get on your knees and thank the Lord for the precious children who have come to you and grown up under your direction.”⁴

Frequent expressions of love are a key to building trusting and loving relationships, but equally important is the consistent demonstration of that love. How we act often speaks louder than what we say and how we say it. It is important that we consistently and genuinely show our children our love for them as well as tell them of that love.

Following his father’s death, one young man felt he could take little comfort from his mother’s assurance that his father loved him and was proud of him.

“While a doctor was verifying death, I was leaning against the wall in the far corner of the room, crying softly. A nurse came over to me and put a comforting arm around me. I couldn’t talk through my tears. I wanted to tell her:

“‘I’m not crying because my father is dead. I’m crying because my father never told me that he was proud of me. He never told me that he loved me. Of course, I was expected to know these things. I was expected to know the great part I played in his life and the great part I occupied of his heart, but he never told me.’”⁵

Perhaps there was a greater message than most of us realize when God our Father announced His Son by saying, “This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased” (Matthew 3:17; emphasis added).

Children thrive on loving relationships that make them feel special. Encouragement and love are important, especially when things may not be going well.

Listening to our children and respecting their views builds trust and opens communication. Understanding and agreeing on expectations with each member of the family adds to the unity and good feelings for each other. Periodic one-on-one time is a superb way to build lasting relationships and trust. In fact, personal time with each child is an essential building block to genuine lasting relationships of love and unity.

As children replace selfishness and envy with kindness and service to each other, unity grows within the family. And as the family serves together to assist others, a bond of unity and love becomes the hallmark of the family. Unity in the family will not always free parents from problems and challenges with their children, but it does enable families to cohesively focus on solutions.

Personal Spiritual Experiences for Children

Living in accordance with our strong personal testimonies becomes the foundation for unwavering love and unity within a family. Testimonies also provide the bulwark against Satan and the things of the world that he uses to bring contention into families.

One of our key responsibilities as parents is to help our children prepare for and have spiritual experiences in their youth that will develop strong testimonies of Jesus Christ and His restored gospel. These experiences come as a result of prayer, study, and living gospel principles. They come from family home evenings and scripture study. They result from personal experiences and feelings from association with Church leaders and spiritually strong friends. Frequently, they come in a very personal way as the Spirit touches and confirms the truth and testimony of the living Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, as the Savior and Redeemer of the world.

I will be forever grateful for my faithful parents who, in their humble way, used the priesthood and the power of prayer to bless their children with the Lord’s healing power. On several occasions during my youth, the Lord responded with His tender mercies in a way that was miraculous. For me those experiences formed the basic foundation on which I have developed an undeniable testimony of the Lord and His love for each of us.

Unified Families Minimize Contention

The Lord’s challenge to raise our families in unity and righteousness is not a simple one. Our youth live in exciting yet challenging times. Their lives are filled with responsibilities and activities of various kinds. They have access to many things, including media and music that do not always fit within the standards of the home and the principles of the Church. As a result, almost every family at one time or another experiences disagreements on certain issues, both large and small. This creates contention.

The Lord made clear His feelings on contention when He said to the Nephites, “He that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil” (3 Nephi 11:29).

Our challenge as parents is to keep misunderstandings and disagreements to a minimum and to resolve differences quickly and amicably. The more we and our children are committed to living gospel principles, the greater the opportunity for the spirit of unity and love to reside in our homes. A clear understanding of gospel-centered guidelines and expectations in the home will significantly reduce periodic issues that precipitate contention.

Consistent Family and Personal Prayer

Some of the most effective teaching in our homes comes from the family’s kneeling together and feeling the spirit of what is said in daily family prayer. Asking the Lord for forgiveness, while also petitioning His help in unifying the family in love and righteous purposes, can have a lasting influence on our children as they grow together in the family. Sincere prayers soften contentious thoughts.

It is absolutely imperative that we teach and encourage our children to be consistent and sincere in offering their personal prayers. As children pray daily, they will feel the Lord’s personal direction in their lives. As they learn to seek His blessings and guidance, the family will find the joy and happiness that come from striving to be a righteous family.

In His great Intercessory Prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane, the Savior pleaded with the Father five separate times for unity—“that they may be one, even as we are one” and “that they may be made perfect in one” (see John 17:11, 22–23). Unity is the outcome of a family engaging in righteous principles.

May we as parents pray for and live worthy of the Lord’s blessings so that our families may be one on earth and in the eternities to come.

Helps for Home Evening

1. 1.To help family members visualize family unity, consider weaving a placemat from strips of paper. Write the name of a different family member on each strip. As they are woven together, discuss how this process represents the process of creating family unity. Use Elder Staheli’s article to discuss ways the family can build unity.
2. 2.Consider having family members draw a picture of five people holding hands. Label each person with one of the headings from Elder Staheli’s article. Point out strengths that your family has in each of these areas. Using the suggestions in the article, plan an activity that will strengthen your family.

By Elder Donald L. Staheli

30 ways to find TRANQUILITY in your DAY

 

IN A WORLD OF BUSY BUSY BUSY... 
I'd thought I'd share these simple tips to help you find a little tranquility in your day...

1. Have a totally computer-free day ~ it's amazing what you'll achieve {other than work} and how you will unwind

2. Brew a cup of tea ~ the whole making process is actually quite relaxing 

3. Pop some popcorn & enjoy that DVD you’ve been dying to watch {even if it didn't get great reviews}

4. Take an afternoon nap, in bed!

5. Listen to music {soothing, possibly without lyrics}

6. Relax near water {paddle around in a kayak, walk along the river, stroll along the beach}

7. Treat yourself to a spa treatment {pedicure, facial or massage}

8. Get a good nights sleep ~ sip a mug of warm milk before you hit the pillow

9. Take your dog for a walk ~ they'll love you for it and it will do you the world of good

10. Practice yoga ~ CLICK HERE for some positions

11. Gather a stack of magazines and allow yourself to flick through them at will ~ rip out anything you fancy

12. Cook your favourite meal and add a glass of wine {or two}

13. Order take-out and watch a marathon your favourite guilty-pleasure TV series

14. Take a bubble bath by candlelight

15. Snuggle!

16. Make cookies and enjoy them with cold cold milk

17. Do something creative – write, draw, dance – and allow yourself to get lost in the doing

18. Visit a new art exhibit ~ or the museum

19. Treat yourself to a cooking class ~ a great way to meet new people

20. Visit your local farmer’s or fish market

21. Allow yourself to laugh out loud

22. Go to a cafe and savour your coffee while people watching or reading the daily newspaper

23. Work in the garden – dig in the dirt

24. Bring fresh flowers home – place one singular flower in a bud vase by your bed and office space as well as bouquets in the family areas

25. Get your make-up done at your local department store {just don't buy every product they suggest}

26. Enjoy high-tea with a friend at a city hotel

27. Allow yourself {keeping your budget in mind} to buy those earrings, shoes or frock, that you’ve been lusting over

28. Visit a botanical garden and take a picnic basket {packed with wine & cheese}

29. Keep a journal {it doesn’t have to be about the day-to-day, it can be a list of things you're grateful for, favourite quotes and ideas that inspire you}

30. Savour the decadence of a handmade chocolate {or three} and just be!

Depression in Women (Causes, Symptoms, and Treatment)

Depression is not "one size fits all," particularly when it comes to the genders. Not only are women more prone to depression than men, but the causes of female depression and even the pattern of symptoms are often different.

Many factors contribute to the unique picture of depression in women—from reproductive hormones to social pressures to the female response to stress. Learning about these factors can help you minimize your risk of depression and treat it more effectively.

In This Article:

• Depression in women
• Signs and symptoms
• Causes of depression in women
• Risks factors for depression in women
• Treating depression in women
• Premenstrual dysphoric disorder
• Related links for depression in women
• Resources and references

Understanding depression in women

Depression is a serious condition that can impact every area of your life. It can affect your social life, relationships, career, and sense of self-worth and purpose. And for women in particular, depression is common. In fact, according to the National Mental Health Association, about one in every eight women will develop depression at some point during her lifetime.
If you’re feeling sad, guilty, tired, and just generally “down in the dumps,” you may be suffering from major depression. But the good news is that depression is treatable, and the more you understand about depression’s particular implications for and impact on women, the more equipped you will be to tackle the condition head on.

Signs and symptoms of depression in women

The symptoms of depression in women are the same as those for major depression. Common complaints include:

Depressed mood Loss of interest or pleasure in activities you used to enjoy Feelings of guilt, hopelessness and worthlessness Suicidal thoughts or recurrent thoughts of death

Sleep disturbance (sleeping more or sleeping less) Appetite and weight changes Difficulty concentrating Lack of energy and fatigue

Differences between male and female depression

Although the signs and symptoms of depression are the same for both men and women, women tend to experience certain symptoms more often than men. For example, seasonal affective disorder—depression in the winter months due to lower levels of sunlight—is more common in women. Also, women are more likely to experience the symptoms of atypical depression.
In atypical depression, rather than sleeping less, eating less, and losing weight, the opposite is seen: sleeping excessively, eating more (especially carbohydrates), and gaining weight. Feelings of guilt associated with depression are also more prevalent and pronounced in women. Women also have a higher incidence of thyroid problems. Since hypothyroidism can cause depression, this medical problem should always be ruled out by a physician in women who are depressed.

Differences between male and female depression
Women with depression tend to:	Men with depression tend to:
Blame themselves	Blame others
Feel sad, apathetic, and worthless	Feel angry, irritable, and ego inflated
Feel anxious and scared	Feel suspicious and guarded
Avoid conflicts at all costs	Create conflicts
Feel slowed down and nervous	Feel restless and agitated
Have trouble setting boundaries	Need to feel in control at all costs
Find it easy to talk about self-doubt and despair	Find it “weak” to admit self-doubt or despair
Use food, friends, and "love" to self-medicate	Use alcohol, TV, sports, and sex to self-medicate
Adapted from: Male Menopause by Jed Diamond

Causes of depression in women

Women are about twice as likely as men to suffer from depression. This two-to-one difference persists across racial, ethnic, and economic divides. In fact, this gender difference in rates of depression is found in most countries around the world. There are a number of theories that attempt to explain the higher incidence of depression in women. Many factors have been implicated, including biological, psychological, and social factors.

Biological and hormonal causes of depression in women

• Premenstrual problems - Hormonal fluctuations during the menstrual cycle can cause the familiar symptoms of premenstrual syndrome (PMS), such as bloating, irritability, fatigue, and emotional reactivity. For many women, PMS is mild. But for some women, symptoms are severe enough to disrupt their lives and a diagnosis of premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is made.
• Pregnancy and infertility - The many hormonal changes that occur during pregnancy can contribute to depression, particularly in women already at high risk. Other issues relating to pregnancy such as miscarriage, unwanted pregnancy, and infertility can also play a role in depression.
• Postpartum depression - Many new mothers experience the “baby blues.” This is a normal reaction that tends to subside within a few weeks. However, some women experience severe, lasting depression. This condition is known as postpartum depression. Postpartum depression is believed to be influenced, at least in part, by hormonal fluctuations.
• Perimenopause and menopause - Women may be at increased risk for depression during perimenopause, the stage leading to menopause when reproductive hormones rapidly fluctuate. Women with past histories of depression are at an increased risk of depression during menopause as well.

Psychological causes of depression in women

• Focusing on and rehashing negative feelings - Women are more likely to ruminate when they are depressed. This includes crying to relieve emotional tension, trying to figure out why you’re depressed, and talking to your friends about your depression. However, rumination has been found to maintain depression and even make it worse. Men, on the other hand, tend to distract themselves when they are depressed. Unlike rumination, distraction can reduce depression.
• Stress - Some studies show that women are more likely than men to develop depression under lower levels of stress. Furthermore, the female physiological response to stress is different. Women produce more stress hormones than men do, and the female sex hormone progesterone prevents the stress hormone system from turning itself off as it does in men.
• Body image issues - The gender difference in depression begins in adolescence. The emergence of sex differences during puberty likely plays a role. Some researchers point to body dissatisfaction, which increases in girls during the sexual development of puberty.

Treating depression in women

For the most part, women suffering from depression receive the same types of treatment as everyone else. The main treatment approaches are psychotherapy and antidepressant therapy. However, there are some special treatment considerations for depression in women.

Depression, hormones, and the reproductive cycle

Hormone fluctuations related to the reproductive cycle can have a profound influence on a woman’s mood. In light of this possibility, you and your doctor should always look for connections between your depressive symptoms and the female reproductive cycle.

• Is your depression connected to your menstrual period and a possible effect of PMS?
• Are you pregnant and struggling with complications and concerns related to the vast changes you and your body are undergoing?
• Are you struggling with the baby blues after recently giving birth?
• Or are you approaching menopause and dealing with hormonal and emotional fluctuations?

All of these milestones in the reproductive cycle can influence or trigger depression. It’s also important to consider mood-related side effects from birth control medication or hormone replacement therapy.

How depression treatment is different for women

Specific aspects of treatment must often be modified for women. Because of female biological differences, women should generally be started on lower doses of antidepressants than men. Women are also more likely to experience side effects, so any medication use should be closely monitored.
Finally, women are more likely than men to require simultaneous treatment for other conditions such as anxiety disorders and eating disorders.

Self-help for depression in women

Learn how to use your emotions more effectively

See 3-min. video: Developing emotional awareness

You can make a huge dent in your depression with simple lifestyle changes: exercising every day, avoiding the urge to isolate, eating healthy food instead of the junk you crave, and carving out time for rest and relaxation.
Feeling better takes time, but you can get there if you make positive choices for yourself each day and draw on the support of others.

• Talk about your feelings to someone you trust. Share what you’re going through with the people you love and trust. Ask for the help and support you need. You may have retreated from your most treasured relationships, but they can get you through this tough time.
• Try to keep up with social activities even if you don’t feel like it. When you’re depressed, it feels more comfortable to retreat into your shell. But being around other people will make you feel less depressed.
• Get up and moving. Studies show that regular exercise can be as effective as antidepressant medication at increasing energy levels and decreasing feelings of fatigue. You don’t have to hit the gym. A 30-minute walk each day will give you a much-needed boost.
• Aim for 8 hours of sleep. Depression typically involves sleep problems. Whether you’re sleeping too little or too much, your mood suffers. Get on a better sleep schedule by learning healthy sleep habits.
• Expose yourself to a little sunlight every day. Lack of sunlight can make depression worse. Make sure you’re getting enough. Take a short walk outdoors, have your coffee outside, enjoy an al fresco meal, people-watch on a park bench, or sit out in the garden.
• Practice relaxation techniques. A daily relaxation practice can help relieve symptoms of depression, reduce stress, and boost feelings of joy and well-being. Try yoga, deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or meditation.

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder

Most women are all too familiar with premenstrual syndrome (PMS). Unwelcome symptoms of PMS such as bloating, moodiness, and fatigue appear and reappear each month at the same time in the menstrual cycle. For most women, these premenstrual symptoms are uncomfortable but not disabling. But for up to one out of ten women, symptoms are so distressing and disabling that they warrant a diagnosis of premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD). PMDD is characterized by severe depression, irritability, and other mood disturbances. Symptoms begin about 10 to 14 days before your period and improve within a few days of its start.

Symptoms of Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder
Feelings of sadness or hopelessness Feelings of tension or anxiety Panic attacks Mood swings and tearfulness Persistent irritability or anger Disinterest in daily activities and relationships	Trouble concentrating Fatigue or low energy Food cravings or binge eating Sleep disturbances Feeling out of control Physical symptoms (bloating, breast tenderness, headaches, muscle pain)

Self-help for PMDD

There are many steps you can take to improve PMDD symptoms. Many involve simple lifestyle adjustments.

• Exercise - Regular aerobic exercise can reduce the symptoms of PMDD.
• Dietary modifications - Changes to your diet may help reduce symptoms. Cutting back on salt, fatty foods, caffeine, and alcohol is recommended. Eating plenty of complex carbohydrates is also recommended.
• Nutritional supplements - Vitamin B-6, calcium, magnesium, Vitamin E, and tryptophan have all been shown to benefit women suffering from PMDD.
• Herbal remedies - Evening primrose oil and chaste tree berry are herbal supplements that have both been studied and found to be effective in the treatment of PMDD.
• Stress reduction - Relaxation techniques and other strategies to reduce stress may help with PMDD symptoms. Yoga and meditation are particularly effective.

Facts on Stalking

547 women and 76 men sought support for stalking from NHCADSV member crisis programs.

Of those who sought services in 2006, 39% of female victims and 21% of male victims were stalked by current or former intimate partners. Seventy-nine percent of male victims and 58% female victims were stalked by a non-intimate partner.i

Stalking in the U.S.

1 in 12 women and 1 in 45 men are stalked annually in the United States.

87% of stalkers are male, 78% of victims are female.ii

Most stalkers know their victims. 59% of female victims are stalked by current or former intimate partners. In about half the cases the stalking behavior begins while the relationship is still intact.iii

There is a strong link between stalking and other forms of violence. Among female stalking victims, 81% were also physically assaulted, and 31% were also sexually assaulted.iv

54% of homicide victims reported stalking to police before they were killed by their stalkers.v

Stalking is a significant risk factor for homicide in abusive relationships. vi

Stalkers with a prior intimate relationship are more likely to verbally intimidate and physically harm their victims than stranger stalkers.vii

A clinical study found that stalkers most often used a telephone as a medium of communication, and nearly half of stalkers sent unsolicited gifts to their victims.viii

One study found restraining orders against stalkers were violated an average of 40% of the time. In almost 21% of cases, the victim perceived that the stalking behavior following the implementation of the order worsened.ix

Impact on Victims               

The prevalence of anxiety, insomnia, social dysfunction, and severe depression is much higher among stalking victims than the general population, especially if the stalking involves being followed or having one’s property destroyed.x

30% of female victims and 20% of male victims sought psychological counseling.xi

56% of women stalked took some type of self protective measure; nearly a fifth relocated.xii

Stalking and Young People

30% of teens say they are text messaged 10, 20, and 30 times an hour by a partner inquiring where they are, what they’re doing, or who they’re with.xiii

Acquaintance and intimate partner stalking is very common on college campuses. One study found that over 80% of campus stalking victims were acquainted with their stalkers.xiv

A survey of undergraduates revealed that 20% had been stalked or harassed by a current or former dating partner, 8% had initiated stalking or harassment and 1% had been both the target and the initiator

Characteristics of Abusers

 

If the person you love or live with does these things, it’s time to get help:

• Keeps track of what you are doing all the time and criticizes you for little things.
• Constantly accuses you of being unfaithful.
• Prevents or discourages you from seeing friends or family, or going to work or school.
• Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs.
• Controls all the money you spend.
• Humiliates you in front of others.
• Destroys your property or things that you care about.
• Threatens to hurt you or the children or pets, or does cause hurt (by hitting, punching, slapping, kicking, or biting).
• Uses or threatens to use a weapon against you.
• Forces you to have sex against your will.
• Blames you for his/her violent outbursts.

Characteristics of Abusers...Warning signs of potential violence:

• Abuser pacing the floor
• Clenching/unclenching fists
• Facial expression (glaring)
• Shouting/yelling

Always be conscious of your own safety needs in all interactions involving an abusive person.  Do not meet privately with a violence-prone individual.  If you must do so, be sure someone is available close by in case you need help.

Abusers frequently have the following characteristics:

• Often blow up in anger at small incidents. He or she is often easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really very angry.
• Are excessively jealous: At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser may claim that jealousy is a sign of his or her love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love.
• Like to isolate victim: He or she may try to cut you off from social supports, accusing the people who act as your support network of "causing trouble."
• Have a poor self-image; are insecure.
• Blame others for their own problems.
• Blame others for their own feelings and are very manipulative. An abusive person will often say "you make me mad", "you’re hurting me by not doing what I ask", or "I can’t help being angry".
• Often are alcohol or drug abusers.
• May have a family history of violence.
• May be cruel to animals and/or children. 
• May have a fascination with weapons.
• May think it is okay to solve conflicts with violence.
• Often make threats of violence, breaking or striking objects.
• Often use physical force during arguments.
• Often use verbal threats such as, "I’ll slap your mouth off", "I’ll kill you", or "I’ll break your neck". Abusers may try to excuse this behaviour by saying, "everybody talks like that". 
• May hold rigid stereotypical views of the roles of men and women. The abuser may see women as inferior to men, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without a relationship.
• Are very controlling of others.  Controlling behaviours often grow to the point where victims are not allowed to make personal decisions.
• May act out instead of expressing themselves verbally.
• May be quick to become involved in relationships.  Many battered women dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or living together.
• May have unrealistic expectations. The abuser may expect his or her partner to fulfill all his or her needs. The abusive person may say, “If you love me, I’m all you need- you’re all I need". 
• May use "playful" force during sex, and/or may want to act out sexual fantasies in which the victim is helpless.  
• May say things that are intentionally cruel and hurtful in order to degrade, humiliate, or run down the victim’s accomplishments.
• Tend to be moody and unpredictable. They may be nice one minute and the next minute explosive. Explosiveness and mood swings are typical of men who beat their partners.
• May have a history of battering: the abuser may admit to hitting others in the past, but will claim the victim “asked for” it.  An abuser will beat any woman he is with; situational circumstances do not make a person abusive.

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How dangerous is the abuser? Assessing lethality in an abuse situation:

Some domestic violence is life threatening. All domestic violence is dangerous, but some abusers are more likely to kill than others and some are more likely to kill at specific times. The likelihood of homicide is greater when the following factors are present:

1. Threats of homicide or suicide: The abuser may threaten to kill himself, the victim, the children, relatives, friends, or someone else;
2. Plans for homicide or suicide: The more detailed the abuser’s plan and the more available the method, the greater the risk he will use deadly force;
3. Weapons: The abuser possesses weapons, and has threatened to use them in the past against the victim, the children, or himself. If the abuser has a history of arson, fire should be considered a weapon;
4. "Ownership" of the victim: The abuser says things like "If I can’t have you no one can" or "I would rather see you dead than have you divorce me". The abuser believes he is absolutely entitled to the obedience and loyalty of the victim;
5. Centrality of victim to the abuser: The abuser idolizes the victim, depending heavily on him or her to organize and sustain the abuser’s life, or the abuser isolates the victim from outside supports;
6. Separation violence: The abuser believes he is about to lose the victim;
7. Repeated calls to law enforcement: A history of violence is indicated by repeated police involvement;
8. Escalation of risk-taking: The abuser has begun to act without regard to legal or social consequences that previously constrained his violence; and
9. Hostage taking: He is desperate enough to risk the life of innocent persons by taking hostages.  There is a very serious likelihood of the situation turning deadly.

Battered and Abused Men:

Most of us recognize that men experience verbal and emotional abuse at the hands of women, less well accepted or admitted is the fact of physical abuse. In our society, we think of women as the victims and men as the aggressors in physical abuse.  The fact that women are more likely to be severely injured in domestic violence adds to the problem of recognizing male abuse.  Nevertheless, it happens - frequently.  In fact, men are just as likely to be seriously injured when a woman becomes violent because women are more likely to use weapons in the course of an assault.  If a male client indicates that his girlfriend or partner assaulted him, believe him.  A man will find it harder to discuss his pain with you than will a woman, and even harder to admit to being a victim. It is easier to attribute an injury to a sports mishap or workplace accident than to admit to a doctor or police officer it resulted from domestic violence.

Facts:

1. Fewer men report abuse. They are ashamed to report being abused by women.
2. Health care and law enforcement professionals are more likely to accept alternative explanations of abuse from a man. They will believe other reasons for the presence of bruises and other signs of injury.
3. Our justice system often takes the word of the woman above the word of the man in abuse cases. It is just more believable that the aggressor was the man, not the woman.
4. Men are more likely to tolerate the pain of abuse than women. They "grin and bear it” more. And again, many are ashamed to seek medical help for abuse.
5. Unless a woman uses a weapon, she usually does not have the strength to inflict injury.

Abused men are as likely as their female counterparts are to have low self-esteem.  People can come to believe that they are somehow responsible for what happened.  People cling to the hope that things will get better: that the woman he "loves" will quit when their relationship is better adjusted, or the children get older and show more responsibility.  These are all pretty much the same excuses women make for remaining with men who batter them.

Are you abused?  Does the person you love…

• "Track" all of your time?
• Constantly accuse you of being unfaithful?
• Discourage your relationships with family and friends?
• Prevent you from working or attending school?
• Criticize you for little things?
• Become angry easily when drinking or abusing drugs?
• Control all finances and force you to account for what you spend?
• Humiliate you in front of others?
• Destroy your personal property or items with sentimental value?
• Hit, punch, slap, kick, or bite you or the children?
• Use or threaten to use a weapon against you?
• Threaten to hurt you or hurt the children?
• Force you to have sex against your will?

Below is a list of things Jerry can do to help himself:

• Tell friends he trusts.
• Make safety arrangements such as:
  • Leaving the relationship;
  • Finding a safe place to go; and
  • Changing his phone number and/or locks.
• Telephone a domestic violence hotline or shelter and:
  • Talk to a worker;
  • Find out about his legal rights; or
  • See a counsellor - separately or with Lisa. 
• Gain the support of witnesses, when possible.
• Take notes detailing dates, times and what occurred.
• Phone 911 when Lisa becomes physically abusive.

Abuse Checklists:

Below is a self-assessment quiz to help you determine if you are being abused. You may be suffering abuse even if you answer, “Yes” to only a few questions.

You may be becoming or already are a victim of abuse if you:

• Feel like you have to "walk on eggshells" to keep him/her from getting angry and are frightened by his/her temper.
• Feel you can't live without him/her.
• Stop seeing other friends or family, or give up activities you enjoy because he/she doesn't like them.
• Are afraid to tell him/her your worries and feelings about the relationship.
• Are often compliant because you are afraid to hurt his/her feelings; and have the urge to "rescue" him/her when he/she is troubled.
• Feel that you are the only one who can help him/her and that you should try to "reform" him/her.
• Find yourself apologizing to yourself or others for your partner's behaviour when you are treated badly.
• Stop expressing opinions if he/she doesn't agree with them.
• Stay because you feel he/she will kill him/herself if you leave.
• Believe that his/her jealousy is a sign of love.
• Have been kicked, hit, shoved, or had things thrown at you by him/her when he/she was jealous or angry.
• Believe the critical things he/she says to make you feel bad about yourself.
• Believe that there is something wrong with you if you don't enjoy the sexual things he/she makes you do.
• Believe in the traditional ideas of what a man and a woman should be and do -- that the man makes the decisions and the woman pleases him.

17 Signs of a Battering Personality

Victims should know how to predict whether or not they are becoming involved with an abuser. There is no typical victim or perpetrator. A person can be battered, regardless of gender, age, race, nationality, sexual orientation, educational background, or socioeconomic level. Below is a list of behaviors that may be seen in people who beat their partners. In some cases, a batterer may only have a couple of behaviors a victim can recognize, but they are often very exaggerated (e.g. extreme jealously over ridiculous things). In the beginning of a relationship, these behaviors can be “explained” by the batterer as "love and concern." As time goes on, the batterer’s behaviors become more extreme and serve to establish and maintain power and control over the victim.

1. JEALOUSY: At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser may say that jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love; it’s a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. The abuser will question the victim about who he/she talks to, accusations of flirting are often heard, or the abuser may express resentment of time he/she spends with family, friends, or children. As jealousy progresses, the abuser may call frequently or drop by unexpectedly. The abuser may refuse to let the victim work for fear he/she will meet someone else, or even do strange things such as checking the car mileage or asking friends to "spy."
2. CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR: At first the batterer will say that this behavior is because of concern for the victim’s safety and well-being. The abuser will be angry if the victim is “late” and will question whereabouts, who was seen or spoken to, etc. As this behavior gets worse, the abuser may not allow the victim to make personal decisions about the house, for example, what clothes to wear, or decisions about going to church. An abuser may keep all of the money or even make the victim ask permission to leave the house or room.
3. QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Many victims dated or knew their abusers for less than six months before they were married, engaged, or living together. An abuser may come on like a whirlwind, claiming, "You’re the only person I could ever talk to"; or "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." The abuser may pressure a victim to commit to the relationship in such a way that brings about feelings of guilt if the victim wants to slow down involvement or break off the relationship at a later date.
4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Abusive persons may expect the victims to meet all of their needs. The abuser may expect the man/woman to be the perfect husband/wife, father/mother, lover, friend, and will say things like, "If you love me, I’m all you need—you’re all I need."
5. ISOLATION: The abusive person may try to cut the victim off from all resources. A victim is often encouraged and even kept away from family members. The abuser may accuse friends and family of "causing trouble." The abuser may want to live in the country without a phone, may limit access to the car or not have one that is reliable, or keep the victim from working, attending school, going to church, or becoming involved in any community activity.
6. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS: If the abuser is chronically unemployed, someone is out to get him/her; someone is always doing him/her wrong. The abuser may make mistakes and then blame the victim for upsetting him/her, thus hindering concentration on work. The abuser may tell the victim that he/she is at fault for almost anything that goes wrong.
7. BLAMES OTHERS FOR FEELINGS: The abuser may tell the victim, "You make me so mad," "you’re hurting me by not doing what I tell you," or "I can’t help being angry." The abuser makes the decision about what he/she feels, but will use feelings to manipulate the victim. Less obvious are claims such as, "You make me happy," or "You control how I feel."
8. HYPERSENSITIVITY: An abuser is easily insulted, claiming his/her feelings are hurt when he/she is really mad or taking the slightest setbacks as personal attacks. The abuser will rant and rave about the injustice of things that happen, things that are really just a part of life, such as being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, being told a behavior is annoying, or being asked to help with chores.
9. CRUELTY TO CHILDREN AND ANIMALS: The abuser may expect children to do things beyond their ability (e.g. spanks a 2-year old for wetting a diaper), or the abuser may tease children or young brothers and sisters until they cry (65% of those who beat their partners will also abuse their children). The abuser may not want the children to eat at the table or will expect them to stay in their room all evening while the abuser is home. This is also a person who punishes animals brutally, is insensitive to their pain and suffering, or may even kill a victim’s pet to hurt him/her.
10. "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE IN SEX: This kind of person may like to throw the victim down or hold them down during sex. The abuser may want to act out fantasies during sex where the victim is helpless and the idea of rape is exciting. The abuser may show little concern about whether the victim wants to have sex and will use sulking behavior or anger to manipulate the victim into compliance. The abuser may attempt having intercourse while the victim is sleeping or demand sex when he/she is ill or tired.
11. VERBAL ABUSE: In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, this can be seen when the abuser degrades the victim by cursing or minimizing accomplishments. The abuser may tell the victim that he/she is stupid and unable to function without him/her. This may involve waking up the victim or keeping the victim from sleeping.
12. RIGID SEX ROLES: The abuser may expect the victim to serve him/her, perhaps saying that the victim must be obedient in all things, including things that are criminal in nature. The abuser may see the victim as inferior, responsible for menial tasks, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without the relationship.
13. DR. JEKYLL & MR. HYDE: Many victims are confused by their abusers’ sudden mood changes -- they may think that the abuser is exploding. "Explosiveness" and "moodiness" are typical of people who abuse their partners and these behaviors are related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity.

The following four signs are found in those who are certainly batterers:

1. PAST BATTERING: An abuser may admit to battery in the past, but that it was only one time and certainly not his/her fault. The victim may hear from relatives or ex-partners that the person is abusive. A batterer will beat anyone if the relationship lasts long enough. Stressful circumstances do not make a person abusive.
2. THREATS OF VIOLENCE: This includes any threat of physical force meant to control the victim, such as "I’ll knock your head off," "I’m going to kill you," "I’ll break your neck." Though most people do not threaten their partners, a batterer will try to excuse threats by saying, "everybody talks like that."
3. BREAKING OR STRIKING OBJECTS: This behavior is used as punishment (e.g. breaking loved possessions), but is used mostly to terrorize the victim into submission. The abuser may beat on tables with a fist or throw objects around or near the victim. Again, this is a very remarkable behavior -- not only is this a sign of extreme emotional immaturity, but there is great danger when people think they have the right to punish or frighten their partners.
4. ANY USE OF FORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT: This may involve a batterer holding a victim down, physically restraining the victim from leaving the room, or any pushing or shoving. The abuser may hold the victim against the wall and say, "You’re going to listen to me."

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If you or someone you know needs help, please call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

By: Project for Victims of Family Violence, Inc.
Posted: 0--Dec-2003