Facts on Stalking

547 women and 76 men sought support for stalking from NHCADSV member crisis programs.

Of those who sought services in 2006, 39% of female victims and 21% of male victims were stalked by current or former intimate partners. Seventy-nine percent of male victims and 58% female victims were stalked by a non-intimate partner.i

Stalking in the U.S.

1 in 12 women and 1 in 45 men are stalked annually in the United States.

87% of stalkers are male, 78% of victims are female.ii

Most stalkers know their victims. 59% of female victims are stalked by current or former intimate partners. In about half the cases the stalking behavior begins while the relationship is still intact.iii

There is a strong link between stalking and other forms of violence. Among female stalking victims, 81% were also physically assaulted, and 31% were also sexually assaulted.iv

54% of homicide victims reported stalking to police before they were killed by their stalkers.v

Stalking is a significant risk factor for homicide in abusive relationships. vi

Stalkers with a prior intimate relationship are more likely to verbally intimidate and physically harm their victims than stranger stalkers.vii

A clinical study found that stalkers most often used a telephone as a medium of communication, and nearly half of stalkers sent unsolicited gifts to their victims.viii

One study found restraining orders against stalkers were violated an average of 40% of the time. In almost 21% of cases, the victim perceived that the stalking behavior following the implementation of the order worsened.ix

Impact on Victims               

The prevalence of anxiety, insomnia, social dysfunction, and severe depression is much higher among stalking victims than the general population, especially if the stalking involves being followed or having one’s property destroyed.x

30% of female victims and 20% of male victims sought psychological counseling.xi

56% of women stalked took some type of self protective measure; nearly a fifth relocated.xii

Stalking and Young People

30% of teens say they are text messaged 10, 20, and 30 times an hour by a partner inquiring where they are, what they’re doing, or who they’re with.xiii

Acquaintance and intimate partner stalking is very common on college campuses. One study found that over 80% of campus stalking victims were acquainted with their stalkers.xiv

A survey of undergraduates revealed that 20% had been stalked or harassed by a current or former dating partner, 8% had initiated stalking or harassment and 1% had been both the target and the initiator

Characteristics of Abusers

 

If the person you love or live with does these things, it’s time to get help:

• Keeps track of what you are doing all the time and criticizes you for little things.
• Constantly accuses you of being unfaithful.
• Prevents or discourages you from seeing friends or family, or going to work or school.
• Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs.
• Controls all the money you spend.
• Humiliates you in front of others.
• Destroys your property or things that you care about.
• Threatens to hurt you or the children or pets, or does cause hurt (by hitting, punching, slapping, kicking, or biting).
• Uses or threatens to use a weapon against you.
• Forces you to have sex against your will.
• Blames you for his/her violent outbursts.

Characteristics of Abusers...Warning signs of potential violence:

• Abuser pacing the floor
• Clenching/unclenching fists
• Facial expression (glaring)
• Shouting/yelling

Always be conscious of your own safety needs in all interactions involving an abusive person.  Do not meet privately with a violence-prone individual.  If you must do so, be sure someone is available close by in case you need help.

Abusers frequently have the following characteristics:

• Often blow up in anger at small incidents. He or she is often easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really very angry.
• Are excessively jealous: At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser may claim that jealousy is a sign of his or her love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love.
• Like to isolate victim: He or she may try to cut you off from social supports, accusing the people who act as your support network of "causing trouble."
• Have a poor self-image; are insecure.
• Blame others for their own problems.
• Blame others for their own feelings and are very manipulative. An abusive person will often say "you make me mad", "you’re hurting me by not doing what I ask", or "I can’t help being angry".
• Often are alcohol or drug abusers.
• May have a family history of violence.
• May be cruel to animals and/or children. 
• May have a fascination with weapons.
• May think it is okay to solve conflicts with violence.
• Often make threats of violence, breaking or striking objects.
• Often use physical force during arguments.
• Often use verbal threats such as, "I’ll slap your mouth off", "I’ll kill you", or "I’ll break your neck". Abusers may try to excuse this behaviour by saying, "everybody talks like that". 
• May hold rigid stereotypical views of the roles of men and women. The abuser may see women as inferior to men, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without a relationship.
• Are very controlling of others.  Controlling behaviours often grow to the point where victims are not allowed to make personal decisions.
• May act out instead of expressing themselves verbally.
• May be quick to become involved in relationships.  Many battered women dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or living together.
• May have unrealistic expectations. The abuser may expect his or her partner to fulfill all his or her needs. The abusive person may say, “If you love me, I’m all you need- you’re all I need". 
• May use "playful" force during sex, and/or may want to act out sexual fantasies in which the victim is helpless.  
• May say things that are intentionally cruel and hurtful in order to degrade, humiliate, or run down the victim’s accomplishments.
• Tend to be moody and unpredictable. They may be nice one minute and the next minute explosive. Explosiveness and mood swings are typical of men who beat their partners.
• May have a history of battering: the abuser may admit to hitting others in the past, but will claim the victim “asked for” it.  An abuser will beat any woman he is with; situational circumstances do not make a person abusive.

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How dangerous is the abuser? Assessing lethality in an abuse situation:

Some domestic violence is life threatening. All domestic violence is dangerous, but some abusers are more likely to kill than others and some are more likely to kill at specific times. The likelihood of homicide is greater when the following factors are present:

1. Threats of homicide or suicide: The abuser may threaten to kill himself, the victim, the children, relatives, friends, or someone else;
2. Plans for homicide or suicide: The more detailed the abuser’s plan and the more available the method, the greater the risk he will use deadly force;
3. Weapons: The abuser possesses weapons, and has threatened to use them in the past against the victim, the children, or himself. If the abuser has a history of arson, fire should be considered a weapon;
4. "Ownership" of the victim: The abuser says things like "If I can’t have you no one can" or "I would rather see you dead than have you divorce me". The abuser believes he is absolutely entitled to the obedience and loyalty of the victim;
5. Centrality of victim to the abuser: The abuser idolizes the victim, depending heavily on him or her to organize and sustain the abuser’s life, or the abuser isolates the victim from outside supports;
6. Separation violence: The abuser believes he is about to lose the victim;
7. Repeated calls to law enforcement: A history of violence is indicated by repeated police involvement;
8. Escalation of risk-taking: The abuser has begun to act without regard to legal or social consequences that previously constrained his violence; and
9. Hostage taking: He is desperate enough to risk the life of innocent persons by taking hostages.  There is a very serious likelihood of the situation turning deadly.

Battered and Abused Men:

Most of us recognize that men experience verbal and emotional abuse at the hands of women, less well accepted or admitted is the fact of physical abuse. In our society, we think of women as the victims and men as the aggressors in physical abuse.  The fact that women are more likely to be severely injured in domestic violence adds to the problem of recognizing male abuse.  Nevertheless, it happens - frequently.  In fact, men are just as likely to be seriously injured when a woman becomes violent because women are more likely to use weapons in the course of an assault.  If a male client indicates that his girlfriend or partner assaulted him, believe him.  A man will find it harder to discuss his pain with you than will a woman, and even harder to admit to being a victim. It is easier to attribute an injury to a sports mishap or workplace accident than to admit to a doctor or police officer it resulted from domestic violence.

Facts:

1. Fewer men report abuse. They are ashamed to report being abused by women.
2. Health care and law enforcement professionals are more likely to accept alternative explanations of abuse from a man. They will believe other reasons for the presence of bruises and other signs of injury.
3. Our justice system often takes the word of the woman above the word of the man in abuse cases. It is just more believable that the aggressor was the man, not the woman.
4. Men are more likely to tolerate the pain of abuse than women. They "grin and bear it” more. And again, many are ashamed to seek medical help for abuse.
5. Unless a woman uses a weapon, she usually does not have the strength to inflict injury.

Abused men are as likely as their female counterparts are to have low self-esteem.  People can come to believe that they are somehow responsible for what happened.  People cling to the hope that things will get better: that the woman he "loves" will quit when their relationship is better adjusted, or the children get older and show more responsibility.  These are all pretty much the same excuses women make for remaining with men who batter them.

Are you abused?  Does the person you love…

• "Track" all of your time?
• Constantly accuse you of being unfaithful?
• Discourage your relationships with family and friends?
• Prevent you from working or attending school?
• Criticize you for little things?
• Become angry easily when drinking or abusing drugs?
• Control all finances and force you to account for what you spend?
• Humiliate you in front of others?
• Destroy your personal property or items with sentimental value?
• Hit, punch, slap, kick, or bite you or the children?
• Use or threaten to use a weapon against you?
• Threaten to hurt you or hurt the children?
• Force you to have sex against your will?

Below is a list of things Jerry can do to help himself:

• Tell friends he trusts.
• Make safety arrangements such as:
  • Leaving the relationship;
  • Finding a safe place to go; and
  • Changing his phone number and/or locks.
• Telephone a domestic violence hotline or shelter and:
  • Talk to a worker;
  • Find out about his legal rights; or
  • See a counsellor - separately or with Lisa. 
• Gain the support of witnesses, when possible.
• Take notes detailing dates, times and what occurred.
• Phone 911 when Lisa becomes physically abusive.

Abuse Checklists:

Below is a self-assessment quiz to help you determine if you are being abused. You may be suffering abuse even if you answer, “Yes” to only a few questions.

You may be becoming or already are a victim of abuse if you:

• Feel like you have to "walk on eggshells" to keep him/her from getting angry and are frightened by his/her temper.
• Feel you can't live without him/her.
• Stop seeing other friends or family, or give up activities you enjoy because he/she doesn't like them.
• Are afraid to tell him/her your worries and feelings about the relationship.
• Are often compliant because you are afraid to hurt his/her feelings; and have the urge to "rescue" him/her when he/she is troubled.
• Feel that you are the only one who can help him/her and that you should try to "reform" him/her.
• Find yourself apologizing to yourself or others for your partner's behaviour when you are treated badly.
• Stop expressing opinions if he/she doesn't agree with them.
• Stay because you feel he/she will kill him/herself if you leave.
• Believe that his/her jealousy is a sign of love.
• Have been kicked, hit, shoved, or had things thrown at you by him/her when he/she was jealous or angry.
• Believe the critical things he/she says to make you feel bad about yourself.
• Believe that there is something wrong with you if you don't enjoy the sexual things he/she makes you do.
• Believe in the traditional ideas of what a man and a woman should be and do -- that the man makes the decisions and the woman pleases him.

17 Signs of a Battering Personality

Victims should know how to predict whether or not they are becoming involved with an abuser. There is no typical victim or perpetrator. A person can be battered, regardless of gender, age, race, nationality, sexual orientation, educational background, or socioeconomic level. Below is a list of behaviors that may be seen in people who beat their partners. In some cases, a batterer may only have a couple of behaviors a victim can recognize, but they are often very exaggerated (e.g. extreme jealously over ridiculous things). In the beginning of a relationship, these behaviors can be “explained” by the batterer as "love and concern." As time goes on, the batterer’s behaviors become more extreme and serve to establish and maintain power and control over the victim.

1. JEALOUSY: At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser may say that jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love; it’s a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. The abuser will question the victim about who he/she talks to, accusations of flirting are often heard, or the abuser may express resentment of time he/she spends with family, friends, or children. As jealousy progresses, the abuser may call frequently or drop by unexpectedly. The abuser may refuse to let the victim work for fear he/she will meet someone else, or even do strange things such as checking the car mileage or asking friends to "spy."
2. CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR: At first the batterer will say that this behavior is because of concern for the victim’s safety and well-being. The abuser will be angry if the victim is “late” and will question whereabouts, who was seen or spoken to, etc. As this behavior gets worse, the abuser may not allow the victim to make personal decisions about the house, for example, what clothes to wear, or decisions about going to church. An abuser may keep all of the money or even make the victim ask permission to leave the house or room.
3. QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Many victims dated or knew their abusers for less than six months before they were married, engaged, or living together. An abuser may come on like a whirlwind, claiming, "You’re the only person I could ever talk to"; or "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." The abuser may pressure a victim to commit to the relationship in such a way that brings about feelings of guilt if the victim wants to slow down involvement or break off the relationship at a later date.
4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Abusive persons may expect the victims to meet all of their needs. The abuser may expect the man/woman to be the perfect husband/wife, father/mother, lover, friend, and will say things like, "If you love me, I’m all you need—you’re all I need."
5. ISOLATION: The abusive person may try to cut the victim off from all resources. A victim is often encouraged and even kept away from family members. The abuser may accuse friends and family of "causing trouble." The abuser may want to live in the country without a phone, may limit access to the car or not have one that is reliable, or keep the victim from working, attending school, going to church, or becoming involved in any community activity.
6. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS: If the abuser is chronically unemployed, someone is out to get him/her; someone is always doing him/her wrong. The abuser may make mistakes and then blame the victim for upsetting him/her, thus hindering concentration on work. The abuser may tell the victim that he/she is at fault for almost anything that goes wrong.
7. BLAMES OTHERS FOR FEELINGS: The abuser may tell the victim, "You make me so mad," "you’re hurting me by not doing what I tell you," or "I can’t help being angry." The abuser makes the decision about what he/she feels, but will use feelings to manipulate the victim. Less obvious are claims such as, "You make me happy," or "You control how I feel."
8. HYPERSENSITIVITY: An abuser is easily insulted, claiming his/her feelings are hurt when he/she is really mad or taking the slightest setbacks as personal attacks. The abuser will rant and rave about the injustice of things that happen, things that are really just a part of life, such as being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, being told a behavior is annoying, or being asked to help with chores.
9. CRUELTY TO CHILDREN AND ANIMALS: The abuser may expect children to do things beyond their ability (e.g. spanks a 2-year old for wetting a diaper), or the abuser may tease children or young brothers and sisters until they cry (65% of those who beat their partners will also abuse their children). The abuser may not want the children to eat at the table or will expect them to stay in their room all evening while the abuser is home. This is also a person who punishes animals brutally, is insensitive to their pain and suffering, or may even kill a victim’s pet to hurt him/her.
10. "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE IN SEX: This kind of person may like to throw the victim down or hold them down during sex. The abuser may want to act out fantasies during sex where the victim is helpless and the idea of rape is exciting. The abuser may show little concern about whether the victim wants to have sex and will use sulking behavior or anger to manipulate the victim into compliance. The abuser may attempt having intercourse while the victim is sleeping or demand sex when he/she is ill or tired.
11. VERBAL ABUSE: In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, this can be seen when the abuser degrades the victim by cursing or minimizing accomplishments. The abuser may tell the victim that he/she is stupid and unable to function without him/her. This may involve waking up the victim or keeping the victim from sleeping.
12. RIGID SEX ROLES: The abuser may expect the victim to serve him/her, perhaps saying that the victim must be obedient in all things, including things that are criminal in nature. The abuser may see the victim as inferior, responsible for menial tasks, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without the relationship.
13. DR. JEKYLL & MR. HYDE: Many victims are confused by their abusers’ sudden mood changes -- they may think that the abuser is exploding. "Explosiveness" and "moodiness" are typical of people who abuse their partners and these behaviors are related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity.

The following four signs are found in those who are certainly batterers:

1. PAST BATTERING: An abuser may admit to battery in the past, but that it was only one time and certainly not his/her fault. The victim may hear from relatives or ex-partners that the person is abusive. A batterer will beat anyone if the relationship lasts long enough. Stressful circumstances do not make a person abusive.
2. THREATS OF VIOLENCE: This includes any threat of physical force meant to control the victim, such as "I’ll knock your head off," "I’m going to kill you," "I’ll break your neck." Though most people do not threaten their partners, a batterer will try to excuse threats by saying, "everybody talks like that."
3. BREAKING OR STRIKING OBJECTS: This behavior is used as punishment (e.g. breaking loved possessions), but is used mostly to terrorize the victim into submission. The abuser may beat on tables with a fist or throw objects around or near the victim. Again, this is a very remarkable behavior -- not only is this a sign of extreme emotional immaturity, but there is great danger when people think they have the right to punish or frighten their partners.
4. ANY USE OF FORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT: This may involve a batterer holding a victim down, physically restraining the victim from leaving the room, or any pushing or shoving. The abuser may hold the victim against the wall and say, "You’re going to listen to me."

---

If you or someone you know needs help, please call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

By: Project for Victims of Family Violence, Inc.
Posted: 0--Dec-2003

STEPS TO KEEPING WOMEN SAFE

Have you ever felt frightened or intimidated when out walking alone? Have you ever wondered what you should do if approached by an attacker? Have you ever worried about becoming yet another home invasion statistic?
The sad reality is that we live in an increasingly violent society in which the fear of crime is ever-present. Personal safety has become an issue of importance for everyone, but especially for women. Concerned about this state of affairs, Sgt. Darren Laur and his wife Beth Laur began teaching self-defence classes and safety seminars in 1993, and have since reached thousands of women. The demand they saw for reliable safety information, coupled with the need to debunk widespread myths regarding self-defence measures, convinced the two experts to write a book.

The following points are ten things that every woman should know about personal safety, and are covered in the Laurs’ newly published book, Total Awareness: A Woman’s Safety Book:

Does your relationship need help?: Talk to a mentor
Do you want to start over?: Facing the future after a major loss

1. Awareness: Your first line of defence. Most people think of kicks to the groin and blocking punches when they hear the term “self-defence.” However, true self-defence begins long before any actual physical contact. The first, and probably most important, component in self-defence is awareness: awareness of yourself, your surroundings, and your potential attacker’s likely strategies.

The criminal’s primary strategy is to use the advantage of surprise. Studies have shown that criminals are adept at choosing targets who appear to be unaware of what is going on around them. By being aware of your surroundings and by projecting a “force presence,” many altercations which are commonplace on the street can be avoided.
2. Use your sixth sense. “Sixth sense.” “Gut instinct.” Whatever you call it, your intuition is a powerful subconscious insight into situations and people. All of us, especially women, have this gift, but very few of us pay attention to it. Learn to trust this power and use it to your full advantage. Avoid a person or a situation which does not “feel” safe–you’re probably right.
3. Self-defense training. It is important to evaluate the goals and practical usefulness of a women’s self-defense program before signing up. Here are two tips:
a) Avoid martial arts studios unless you specifically wish to train in the traditional martial arts techniques and are prepared for a long-term commitment. Many women’s self-defense programs teach watered-down martial arts techniques that are complex and unrealistic under the stress of an actual attack;
b) The self-defense program should include simulated assaults, with a fully padded instructor in realistic rape and attack scenarios, to allow you to practice what you’ve learned.
4. Escape: Always your best option. What if the unthinkable happens? You are suddenly confronted by a predator who demands that you go with him–be it in a car, or into an alley, or a building. It would seem prudent to obey, but you must never leave the primary crime scene. You are far more likely to be killed or seriously injured if you go with the predator than if you run away (even if he promises not to hurt you). Run away, yell for help, throw a rock through a store or car window–do whatever you can to attract attention. And if the criminal is after your purse or other material items, throw them one way while you run the other.
5. Your right to fight. Unfortunately, no matter how diligently we practice awareness and avoidance techniques, we may find ourselves in a physical confrontation. Whether or not you have self-defence training, and no matter what your age or physical condition, it is important to understand that you CAN and SHOULD defend yourself physically. You have both the moral and legal right to do so, even if the attacker is only threatening you and hasn’t struck first. Many women worry that they will anger the attacker and get hurt worse if they defend themselves, but statistics clearly show that your odds of survival are far greater if you do fight back. Aim for the eyes first and the groin second. Remember, though, to use the element of surprise to your advantage–strike quickly, and mean business. You may only get one chance.
6. Pepper spray: Pros and cons. Pepper spray, like other self-defence aids, can be a useful tool. However, it is important to understand that there can be significant drawbacks to its use. For example, did you know that it doesn’t work on everyone? Surprisingly, 15-20% of people will not be incapacitated even by a full-face spray. Also, if you’re carrying it in your purse, you will only waste time and alert the attacker to your intentions while you fumble for it. Never depend on any self-defence tool or weapon to stop an attacker. Trust your body and your wits, which you can always depend on in the event of an attack.
7. Home invasions: A crime on the rise. The primary way to prevent a home invasion is simply to never, ever open your door unless you either are certain you know who’s on the other side or can verify that they have a legitimate reason for being there (dressing up as a repair person or even police officer is one trick criminals use). In the event that an intruder breaks in while you’re home, you should have a safe room in your house to which you can retreat. Such a room should be equipped with a strong door, deadbolt lock, phone (preferably cell phone), and a can of pepper spray or fire extinguisher.
8. Avoiding a car-jacking. Lock all doors and keep windows up when driving. Most car-jackings take place when vehicles are stopped at intersections. The criminals approach at a 45-degree angle (in the blind spot), and either pull you out of the driver’s seat or jump in the passenger’s seat.
9. A travel tip. Violent crimes against women happen in the best and worst hotels around the world. Predators may play the part of a hotel employee, push their way through an open or unlocked door, or obtain a pass key to the room. As with home safety, never open your door unless you are certain the person on the other side is legitimate, and always carry a door wedge with you when you travel. A wedge is often stronger than the door it secures.

10. Safety in cyberspace. Although the Internet is educational and entertaining, it can also be full of danger if one isn’t careful. When communicating on-line, use a nickname and always keep personal information such as home address and phone number confidential. Instruct family members to do the same. Keep current on security issues, frauds, viruses, etc. by periodically referring to “The Police Notebook” Internet Safety Page

God's Perfect Time

I don't know about you, but I am an impatient type of person and like things done in my own way and in my own time. Are you waiting for God to answer your prayers right now? Maybe you are not waiting for God, but still things are not happening the way you hope or expect them to. Does it seem like your hopes and dreams are never going to be fulfilled? Maybe you are waiting to meet 'Mr Right' or you are longing to have a child? You want that promotion/job at work or you are desperate to buy your own home?

Sometimes it's hard to understand why God doesn't allow things to happen straightaway. An important lesson that I am continuing to learn each day is that God works things out in his own perfect timing. Trusting in God, I believe is the key to success and happiness in life.
Whatever the issue you are facing, first bring it to the Lord in prayer. Is it really what he wants you to be hoping for? Psalm 37:4 tells us ...

'Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.'

Wow! What an amazing promise. If you delight yourself in God he will give you what you want, that is the desires of your heart. Don't get me wrong, He isn't going to start giving you the best cars, the nicest house and lots of material things, because God isn't concerned with those things. He wants you to 'delight' in Him, ie. to seek Him and to love Him and spend time with Him in prayer and Bible study. If you are seeking after God in this way, the desires you'll have will be to serve him and to always live according to what the Bible says. It is important that you trust in God's word and not rely solely on your feelings, for example, God won't give you the desire to date or marry a non-believer ... 1 Corinthians 6:14 ..'Do not be yoked together with unbelievers'.
God has promised to give you the desires of your heart, but it may take a while for those desires to come to fruition. Psalm 37 goes on to say ...

'Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.' (NIV).

Commit your hopes and dreams to God. The most important point to remember is that God loves you. You are His child and He wants the best things for you.
God will work things out in your life if you trust in him. It is possible that you may have to go through certain trials and wait for his answers ... 'And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.' Romans 8:28 (NKJV).
God has plans for your life. He knows everything about you. He made you. He loves you, as the following selection of verses from Psalm 139 confirms ...

'O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.'

Remember, God has plans for your life and wants the best for you. He allowed his Son to die so that your sins could be forgiven. In Jeremiah 29:11 is says ... 'For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'
The hope and promise that God gives us is that one day we will spend eternity with him in Heaven. This life on earth is temporary. What an amazing hope this is. But for now while we live on earth we need to seek after God and wait for God's perfect timing.
.

'But those who wait on the LORD Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.' (Isaiah 40:31) (NKJV).

Wait on the Lord. Be patient. Trust in God's perfect timing and he will answer you. Then you will hear him directing you

'Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, This is the way; walk in it.' (Isaiah 30:21)

We need to wait on the Lord and trust that his perfect timing is best. God's word warns us not to try and speed things up and do things in our own strength ... 'There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.' (Proverbs 16:25)
There is a right time for everything. A right time to get married, a right time to have a baby, a right time to do everything. Ecclesiastes 3:1 says ...

'There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven.' (NIV).

God's answer to your prayer maybe to wait for a time before he gives you your desires. Every gift that comes from God is worth waiting for. In the Bible, there are lots of examples of God providing women's deepest desires. In 1 Samuel we read how Hannah wept and prayed out of great anguish before the Lord for a child and God answered her prayers. In the book of Esther we read how God called Esther to a position of influence for 'such a time' and used her to save the Jewish people.
Habakkuk 2:3 tells us ...

'For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay.'

5 Steps to Overcome Fear of Failure

Fear invades like a sudden fog, limiting your view and clouding your reasoning. When you are caught disoriented, can you find your way out? Does fear paralyze you into retreat, or do you know the way to push on? Fear of failure affects everyone. When you recognize it in your own life, you can take these 5 steps to see above it, get through it, and achieve your goals.

1. Identify it. What is it you are most afraid of? Are you worried your business may fail? Are you scared you will never find a special someone, or you will lose your loved one? Do you have personal worries that occupy your thoughts? Where in your life is fear of failure diverting your focus and preventing your success? Pray, think, and listen. Let God show you the fear, and then discover how to be free.
Fear of failure may look like:
Procrastination. Do you wait until the last minute, so your perfectionist self will have an excuse if you do fail? In doing so, you create the failure you hope to avoid.
Inaction. Are your insecurities or uncertainties overwhelming you? Do you allow fear to paralyze you, and miss great opportunities? Fear of success is really fear of failing if you succeed.
Over-reaction. Are you angry, defensive, or acting aggressive? If you are afraid of failure, you might notice your reactions seem harsher than situations merit. Is your fear causing you to react instead of respond to life?
Addiction. Do you manage your stress with self-destructive habits? Are you numbing your fear because you feel helpless to overcome it?

2. Evaluate it. If you stand on unstable ground at the edge of a cliff, fear sends adrenaline through your body and alerts you to danger. You can use that fear to step back to firm ground, or you can ignore it and fall. All the positive thinking in the world will not keep you from falling once your foot slips. Before you use these 5 steps to push on, be sure you should. Fear is your body’s warning siren, and it can go off even when it does not need to sound. Is God using fear to warn you that your choice is harmful, or do you need to press on despite the fear, and triumph through it towards your goals? Life lessons can make you too cautious, and the fear of risk may lead you to miss many wonderful opportunities. Life needs balance. If you determine you need to get past the fear, you can do it!
In order to focus on the positive and press on through the fear, you must first understand it. What is the worst that can happen? Write down exactly what it will mean if you fail. Then look at your answer, and get more specific. If you think the world will end, what do you mean by this? Will you lose your house, your family, your health, or your life? Will you lose your reputation, or create an undesired one? Are you afraid failure will confirm all the negative thoughts you believe about yourself? Are you thinking that by failing, you become a failure? Figure out the messages and warnings your fear sends you.

3. Re-interpret it. Once you know the messages fear sends, create positive messages to replace them. You may fail, but each failure brings you closer to success. Your identity is not dependent on your failures. You are what you decide to be. Face your fear and be a success. Get support from other who will encourage you, but be your own best cheerleader.
Fear is your friend. If it warns you of decisions that do not fit with your life purpose, it helps you live without regret as you change course. If fear tries to cloud your way and you must forge through to succeed, it gives you opportunity to improve, get past your past, and become a better person. The secret to living free from negative effects of fear is to embrace it.
When I first started my own business, I was in a new state, and had no business contacts. I portrayed confidence to other professionals, but inside, I was worried. I made a choice from the start to let God take over the fear. I knew I had made the right choice to move, that I had a sound business plan, and that I had the ability and drive to succeed. I gave up worrying about the rest that I could not control. In reality this meant living on credit cards for the first few months, while I built up my client list. As I earned a reputation for my skill and professionalism, however, my business grew quickly, and I soon had to turn down work. Fear could have kept me from going out and offering my services if I let it. If others had seen a lack of confidence in my ability, they might have felt a lack of confidence in me as well. I chose to attract a positive response with positive thoughts, and to work at it with all my effort. I fought and won.

4. Disable it. Your past influences perception of your present. Like looking through a magnifying glass, danger can appear greater than it is when you exaggerate it because you are still trapped in the fear from your past. Take the insecurity or hurt of your past and fight to remove its strength. Trauma, loss, and painful circumstances all contribute to your view on reality. Even little events can lead to unconscious behavior in your present. As you discover ways fear is magnified disproportionately in your life, bring it back into proper perspective.
As a child I stepped barefoot into a pile of red ants. I still remember the pain that seemed to last forever, and the sadness at missing out on all the camping fun for the day as I nursed my foot. When I later had my own children, I found myself constantly looking for ants, and worried about where I stepped on every inch of the driveway. It was ridiculous, but I was not even aware I was doing it, until I noticed one of my children looking for ants. I suddenly stopped. They did too. I made a conscious choice to change this fear and remind myself that the rare experience I had is not easily repeated. Now, as I play with my children outside, we just have fun. If we spot a group of ants, we avoid them, but it is the last thing on our minds. Life is too short. Fear is not worth it. It has now lost its power.

5. Use it. What have you lost by letting fear confuse your way? Take the anger or frustration over your reactions and force it to motivate you to succeed in your future. Are you afraid to dream because of what obstacles you might face? Conquer fear and accomplish the amazing things only you can do. Start today. 

By patricia

GODLY FREINDSHIPS

1 Corinthians 13:4-8
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”


I. What is a Godly Friend
a. Someone who is loyal
i. Proverbs 17:17
1. “A friend loves at all times”
ii. Proverbs 18:24
1. “There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother”
• David and Jonathan (read their story in 1 Samuel). Jonathan was loyal to David. David was loyal to Jonathan. It went both ways.
b. Someone who (knows how to keep a confidence TRUSTWORTHY)
i. Proverbs 25:9-10
1. “If you argue your case with a neighbor, do not betray another man’s confidence, or he who hears it may shame you and you will never lose your bad reputation”
ii. Person does not air dirty laundry
iii. Person does not Gossip.
1. Gossip will ruin a friendship
a. Proverbs 16:28
i. “A forward man soweth strife: and a whisperer separateth chief friends”
2. Gossip will ruin a reputation
3. Gossip will ruin and destroy a life if uncontrolled.
c. Someone who knows how to control their tongue
i. Proverbs 11:9
1. “With his mouth the godless destroys his neighbor, but through knowledge the righteous escape”
ii. Proverbs 11:12
1. “A man of understanding holds his tongue”
• If someone talks falsely of you, talk to him in private about the matter
• Don’t seek revenge upon that person.
o You’ll hurt that person and you’ll hurt yourself!
o “Vingeange is the Lord’s and He will repay”
• Beware of people who cause you trouble and then say “I was only kidding”
o Proverbs 26:28
 “A lying tongue hateth those that are afflicted by it; and a flattering mouth worketh ruin.”
d. Someone who is honest with you
i. True friendship cannot be built upon deceit, but upon total honesty.

REMOVING BITTERNESS FROM YOUR LIFE

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:31-32
Bitterness and resentment are poisons that destroy our lives. We have all been hurt or caused hurt to someone else. Yes, it hurts very badly, so we want to retaliate and hurt them for hurting us. What we usually end up doing is hurting someone else because of the discretion of another who had nothing to do with hurting us. As we all know, “hurt people hurt other people.”
Sadly, we usually become the thing we hate in someone else if we don’t forgive and let go of bitterness and resentment. We have been cheated on so we cheat on someone else; we have been abused, so we abuse others. When we are in bitterness, we move over into hate, which is akin to a heart to murder someone out of anger.
I once knew a woman who was sexually abused by her father, and was also later raped. As one can imagine, sexual abuse and rape is very painful and can cause various other issues. Out of her bitterness, resentment, and inability to forgive she became sexually promiscuous in an effort to punish men for the pain of her sexual abuse and rape. The last time we spoke several years ago, she stated she had been with over 65, men and half of those were within a six -month span of deep resentment and anger. She also had the mindset of “Men do it, why can’t women?” You see, her pain is associated with men; because of her bitterness, she hates or is distrustful of all men.
Please don’t live your life scarred, or playing victim. What is most important is that we judge ourselves and make the necessary corrections about ourselves. I am a firm believer that our pain is 90% self-inflicted. We have to always check our motives for wanting people in our life and ask ourselves if these motives are healthy. For example, did you want to explore a relationship because you just wanted companionship or sex? Was it lust based on sex or physical attraction? Money? His or her career, or social standing? Many times, we attract the wrong people because we are the wrong person for ourselves. You see, bad motives or selfish desires will produce negative results every time.
Even when our motives are pure we have to first make sure we are emotionally healthy enough to have a relationship. We have to first, heal from past pain and unresolved issues. Only then can we learn to be happy alone and love self before we can love anyone else.
God has given you the authority to set yourself free and release yourself from bitterness and pain. Please don’t allow injustices of other people to cause you to miss out on God’s best for your life. I was in a relationship once where I struggled to forgive the woman because I felt so, betrayed and used by her. Ultimately, it destroyed the relationship. I know first- hand how hard it is to forgive someone. I’ve cried many nights until my pillow was washed in tears. I deeply understand disappointment, pain and struggling to forgive myself and the people who hurt me. Walking around angry and bitter about who has hurt you causes you to live that pain daily. As long as you are bitter you will repeal happiness and peace in your life.

Here are ten tips to overcome bitterness and resentment:

1. Ask God to forgive you for being bitter and resentful. Then ask him to forgive who   has hurt you. “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your father will not forgive your sins. Matt. 6:14
2. Don’t allow the bad that happened to keep you from God’s best.
3. Don’t enter a relationship or date because you will only hurt someone else.
4. Pray daily for God to heal you and research scriptures to study and apply to your life daily.
5. God will bring the justice. Your instruction is to forgive.
6. When you forgive you remove the offender’s power to hurt you. Accept what has happened and understand you have to heal. Seek professional help if necessary
7. Understand that when we continue to walk around hurt and bitter, the people who have hurt us are hurting us every day and in most cases, have moved on and are enjoying life.
8. Allow God to help you forgive and forget. Some of us don’t trust God; thus, we continue living in pain. Don’t forget to continue to ask God to forgive who has hurt you. Ask God to bless their life and heal them as well.
9. Understand that forgetting means you are letting go of what they did to you. It does not mean you have amnesia.
10. Don’t feel or act like you have to seek revenge. The Bible teaches us God will bring us our justice. He knows what was done to you and what you have done to others. “God will repay the exact compensation owed to us. He will settle and solve the cases of his people.” Hebrews 10:30

Worship in spirit and truth

John 4: 23

But the hour cometh, and now is when the true worshippers shall worship the father in spirit and in truth: for the father seeketh such to worship him.

Explanation:

Jesus teaches several things in this verse.  In spirit points to the level at which true worship occurs.  One must come to God in complete sincerity and with a spirit that is directed by the life and activity of the Holy Spirit.  Truth is characteristic of God, incarnate in Christ, intrinsic to the Holy Spirit and at the heart of the gospel.  Therefore, worship must take place according to the truth of the father that is revealed in the son and received through the spirit.  Those who advocate a worship that sets aside the truth and doctrines of the word of God have in reality set aside the only foundation for true worship.

 John 4:24

God is a Spirit: and they that worship him must worship him in spirit and in truth.

 Explanation:

Because Christ is the truth to live in union with Christ requires speaking the truth.  To claim to have fellowship with Christ and possess salvation, yet not to live and speak according to the truth is to be deceived.  Untruth reveals the basic condition of one’s heart, that one is still in fundamental opposition to God and is thus ungenerated and outside of the kingdom of heaven.

John 9:30-31

The man answered and said to them, why, this is a marvelous thing, that you do no know where he is form; yet he has opened my eyes.  Now we know that God does not hear sinners; but if anyone is a worshiper of God, and does his will, he hears him.

Revelation 11: 16-17

And the twenty-four elders who sat before God on their thrones fell on their faces and worshiped God.  Saying: We give you thanks, O Lord God Almighty.  The one who is and who was and who is to come.  Because you have taken your great power and reigned.

 Praise and Worship:

It is the believer’s responsibility to discover how the Lord wants to be worshipped and to explore and cultivate a relationship with him out of which sincere, Holy Spirit enabled worship will flow.  Jesus instructs it; worship in spirit that is, alive through new birth and aglow with Holy Spirit enablement. 

The Qualities of a Godly Husband

Initially it seemed that Proverbs had little to say to the woman who sought to discern the qualities of a godly husband. I have come to see that this is not at all the case. In general, we can say that a woman should seek a man who is wise. Since we have already studied the characteristics of the wise, we will only summarize them here. These seem especially applicable to marriage:

1. A wise husband is kind and compassionate (12:10).

2. A wise husband is honest (29:24).

3. A wise husband is hard-working (12:11; 27:23-27).

4. A wise husband is truthful (12:17,19).

5. A wise husband exercises self-control (12:15; 16:32).

6. A wise husband has a gentle tongue (12:18; 15:1-2,4).

7. A wise husband is generous (14:21; 28:27).

8. A wise husband is willing to be corrected (even by his wife) and listens to counsel (12:15; 15:12,31-32; 28:13; 29:1).

9. A wise husband is a man of integrity (19:1; 20:7).

10. A wise husband is faithful and reliable (17:17; 29:3; contrast 25:19; 31:3).

11. A wise husband is forgiving (19:11).

12. A wise husband is willing to admit he is wrong (28:13).

13. A wise husband is humble (15:25,33; 16:18-19; 18:12; 29:23).

14. A wise husband is not contentious, but a peacemaker (17:1; 18:1,19).

15. A wise husband has control of his temper (14:29; 16:32; 17:27; 29:11).

16. A wise husband is a man who avoids excesses (20:1; 23:20-21, 29-35; 31:3-9).

17. A wise husband has a concern for others, especially the poor and the oppressed (29:7).

18. A wise husband can keep a confidence (17:9; 26:20).

19. A wise husband fears God and is obedient to His Word (13:13; 14:26; 16:20; 28:25; 31:30).

20. A wise husband is not a jealous man (27:4).

21. A The wise husband has a positive outlook on life (15:15; 17:22; 18:14).

As I look at these characteristics of the wise I am reminded of the qualifications laid down by the apostle Paul for elders and deacons in 1 Timothy 3.I find a great similarity between the qualifications for church leaders and the characteristics of the wise in Proverbs. But should this come as a surprise? After all, isn’t Proverbs written to young men who will be leaders, instructing them about wisdom? In this sense 1 Timothy 3 only summarizes what Proverbs has taught in greater detail.

10 Simple Ways to Live a Less Stressful Life

“If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn’t ask me, I’d still have to say it.” - George F. Burns

Stress is a major problem for many people — a hectic, stressful job, a chaotic home life, bills to worry about, and bad habits such as unhealthy eating, drinking and smoking can lead to a mountain of stress.

If your life is full of stress, like mine once was, there are some simle things you can do to get your life to a more manageable level.
Now, your life will probably never be stress-free — I don’t think that’s even desirable, even if it is possible, because stress is something that challenges us and helps us grow. At a reasonable level. But when stress gets too high, it causes us to be unhappy and unhealthy.
It wasn’t that long ago when I was working long hours in a very stressful job, with little time for my family, smoking and eating fatty foods and not exercising. I had a lot of debt and too many bills. I was unhappy and stressed out all the time. I was losing hair … OK, actually that was because of genetics, but still. I was pretty stressed.
So I made some drastic changes. I quit my job. I simplified my life. I quit smoking and started exercising and eating healthier. I began to eliminate my debt. And I learned some habits that, when applied on a daily basis, can really transform the way you live, in a positive way.
How did I do all of this? One thing at a time. I didn’t do a major rehaul of my life. I changed one habit a month, and gradually over the course of a year or two changed a lot of things in my life.
I won’t guarantee that all of these will work for you. They worked for me, but each person is different. Pick and choose the ones that will work best for you, and give them a try. One at a time.
1. One thing at a time. This is the simplest and best way to start reducing your stress, and you can start today. Right now. Focus as much as possible on doing one thing at a time. Clear your desk of distractions. Pick something to work on. Need to write a report? Do only that. Remove distractions such as phones and email notifications while you’re working on that report. If you’re going to do email, do only that. This takes practice, and you’ll get urges to do other things. Just keep practicing and you’ll get better at it.
2. Simplify your schedule. A hectic schedule is a major cause of high stress. Simplify by reducing the number of commitments in your life to just the essential ones. Learn to say no to the rest — and slowly get out of commitments that aren’t beneficial to you. Schedule only a few important things each day, and put space between them. Get out of meetings when they aren’t absolutely essential. Leave room for down time and fun.
3. Get moving. Do something each day to be active — walk, hike, play a sport, go for a run, do yoga. It doesn’t have to be grueling to reduce stress. Just move. Have fun doing it.
4. Develop one healthy habit this month. Other than getting active, improving your health overall will help with the stress. But do it one habit at a time. Eat fruits and veggies for snacks. Floss every day. Quit smoking. Cook something healthy for dinner. Drink water instead of soda. One habit at a time.
5. Do something calming. What do you enjoy that calms you down? For many people, it can be the “get moving” activity discussed above. But it could also be taking a nap, or a bath, or reading, or having sex (which can also be considered a “get moving” activity if you do it for longer than 5 minutes). Other people are calmed by housework or yardwork. Some people like to meditate, or take a nature walk. Find your calming activity and try to do it each day.
6. Simplify your finances. Finances can be a drain on your energy and a major stressor. If that’s true with you, figure out ways to simplify things. Automate savings and bill payments and debt payments. Spend less by going shopping (at malls or online) much less. Find ways to have fun that don’t involve spending money.
7. Have a blast! Have fun each day, even if it’s just for a few minutes. I like to play with my kids — they take my mind off everything and are really hilarious. I also like to play sports (again, often with my kids). Board games are fun. Sex, again, can be a fun activity. Whatever you choose, be sure to laugh.
8. Get creative. Throwing yourself into a creative activity is another great way to de-stress and to prevent stress. I like writing, but others like to paint or play music or sketch or make pottery or do interior design or build things.
9. Declutter. This is a favorite of mine. I like to take 20-30 minutes and just go through a room, getting rid of stuff we don’t use or need anymore. I look around at anything that’s cluttering up a room, and get rid of it or find a better place for it. When I’m done, I have a nice, peaceful enviornment for work, play, and living. Do this a little at a time — it can be one of your “fun activities”.
10. Be early. I will admit that it’s hard to be early when you have to get 6 kids ready (seriously — try it!). But being late can be very stressful. Try to leave earlier by getting ready earlier, or by scheduling more space between events. Things always take longer than normal, so schedule some buffer time: extra time to get ready, to commute, to do errands before you need to be somewhere, to attend a meeting before another scheduled appointment. If you get somewhere early, it’s good to have some reading material.
How do you keep the stress in your life to a manageable level? Share in the comments.

“Loafing needs no explanation and is its own excuse.” - Christopher Morley

MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE

1. Know yourself

You want to drive from the east coast to the west coast. You get to the crossroads (east/west interstate crosses north/south interstate) and you see a magnificent sculpture off in the distance. You turn toward the sculpture. Enjoy the beauty. Take pictures. And continue driving. A few hours later you cross the Tennessee state line. South, not west, of your starting point. You correct yourself and head west again – fretting over all the time and gas you wasted going in the wrong direction. Further up the road you stop for gas and getting back on the freeway, you notice a gorgeous sunset over the mountain. You turn toward it, stopping to get some great pictures. And just around the next bend, there’s a waterfall. You stop and gaze a long time. It’s incredible. You can feel the power of the water flowing through your veins. The pictures don’t do it justice but you take them anyway, wondering what you can do to bring the power to the print, to keep it alive. You continue driving, stopping to get the perfect shots. An hour later, you realize that you’re traveling north. On a side road. Back the way you’d originally come.
Your problem is that you’re driving west because you think you should. Your dream is to be an artist. To surround yourself with natural beauty. To take pictures. Or maybe even just to go on a road trip with no destination in mind. To make your dreams come true you must first have the courage to look inside yourself, be honest with yourself, and know your dreams.

2. Release judgment

Our minds are filled from the time we’re born with the lessons of those around us. Our parents, older siblings, playmates, family, teachers, society all are our teachers. We learn how to behave, how to fit in, what is expected of us, how to articulate, even how to think. We learn right and wrong and we learn how to judge the difference. We learn how to judge every situation, every person, every activity. Is it wholesome? Legal? Kind? Does it fit into the norms of society? Will it get you ahead? Make you a lot of money? Provide security? We learn to turn away from anything that does not meet the standards that are set for us by others. We learn to focus on what we should do as set forth by the judgments of others, rather than allowing ourselves to give in and do what our souls drive us to do. If your dream is not the ‘American Dream’ (or the dream of your current society) then it’s not.

Our parents, older siblings, playmates, family, teachers, society all are our teachers.

3. Research

Find out all you can about whatever it is you want to do. With the wealth of information available on the internet, this is easier than ever. You want to be a writer? Find a public yahoo message board for writers. You want to fly an airplane? Search private pilots on Google. Or search for someplace near by that gives flying lessons. Find out how long it takes to get your pilot’s license. Find out how much it costs. Read testimonials of other pilots and see if the words resonate with you – if they build the fire within you to do what they have done. Watch movies about flying – about the first pilots. Read books. Talk to people. All of this will not only solidify your desires, but it will make you actively a part of the activity. Researching that which you most desire keeps the flame hot, much like food and water energize the body. Researching brings you that much closer to your dreams.

4. Believe

If you don’t believe in yourself, or your right to have what you most desire, no one else will believe either. If you don’t believe in yourself, your chances of ever having what you most want are miniscule. With rare exception, life doesn’t just hand you your heart’s desire. Nor do other people. Those around you will more likely mold you to fit them – not even always out of selfishness. Those who know what they need and want tend to ask for it, work toward it, they’re internally driven to do so, and those in their sphere, or their path, tend to accommodate them. Don’t be afraid to believe that you deserve what you want. Don’t be afraid to believe that you are extraordinary.

5. Don’t Give Up. Ever.

I have a quote on my bulletin board that reads: ‘Edison failed ten thousand times before he perfected the modern electric lamp. The average man would have quit at the first failure. That’s why there are so many average men and only one Edison.’ I wanted to be a writer. My only dream (other than love and health and family) was to be a writer. I’d write books that I believed were really good. I’d send them in. And time after time, for years, they were rejected. I could have stopped. Many thought I should have stopped. But I’d read my quote about Edison, type the words, Chapter One, and begin again.
Viktor Frankl was a resident of a prison camp during the holocaust. One of his ‘dreams’ was to maintain control of his own mind, his own psyche. He was a doctor and I suppose, in the deepest sense, his dream was to survive. No matter what kind of tortures his captures inflicted upon him, he believed that he maintained control of his life. His captors only had his body, not his heart, mind or soul. One of his keys to survival was to go outside and deliver speeches about “Psychotherapeutic Experiences in a Concentration Camp” to imaginary audiences. He believed in himself, in his dreams enough that he acted them out. The man not only survived the holocaust, not only survived imprisonment, he instilled positive energy in those around him as well, helping others to survive. He went on to be a celebrated psychologist, gifted in his field, until his death in 1997.
These, and other examples, taught me that in the end, the only person who can prevent you from reaching your dreams is you. My fifty-five published books and a place on the USA Today Bestseller List is testimony that the above is true.

Five Characteristics of Successful Women

You see them all around you; women succeeding in every avenue of life. They seem to have direction and know what they’re doing. They seem busy, satisfied, and put together while you can barely coordinate an outfit. You wonder how they manage to look so calm and collected when you know they work full-time and yet somehow concurrently enjoy a full and happy home life.

How do these women do it? While there is no magical secret to success, there are certainly characteristics that most successful women share, and if you can adopt them in your own life, there’s no reason you can’t attain the same level of success.
1. Determined. Those who succeed are willing to try, fail, and try again. You’ve heard the saying “no risk, no reward” and truly successful women embrace this idea whole-heartedly. In order to advance in any area of your life, you have to be willing to go out on a limb. But more than that, you must have the willpower to pick yourself up when you fall flat on your face, and continue with even more resolve.

2. Resourceful. Let’s face it; women do not have the same advantages as men. True, they are light years ahead of where they sat just a few generations ago (presumably in the kitchen instead of the boardroom), but they still face a lot of hurdles when it comes to professional inclusion and progression. For that reason, women must use every tool in their arsenal in order to reach the same heights. They must garner a strong base of education and experience, and blend them with interpersonal skills to get ahead.

 3. Engaging. Many women in office settings suffer from the same disorder; a woeful inability to speak up. Women are much more likely to downplay their own role and attribute successes to a team, whereas men seeking to climb the ladder will almost always take credit for their achievements (and make sure everyone hears about them). You must not only do well in your position in order to get promoted, you must be willing to market yourself as an asset and convince others of your value.

4. Ambitious. Women without ambition rarely achieve greatness. Queen Elizabeth I gave up the chance at a family (and had her own sister imprisoned) in order to rule England. Susan B. Anthony and many other suffragettes risked being ostracized and thrown in jail in order to spread the message of women’s equality. Throughout history, the most successful women have been willing to take control of their own lives and do whatever was necessary to reach their goals.

5. Confident. Without a firm belief in yourself, you cannot hope to achieve true success. Nobody wants to back someone who is uncertain about their own ability to follow through. Those who lack confidence may be seen as spineless, incompetent, and even lazy, whether they are or not. Women who are self-assured, on the other hand, inspire confidence in others. And believing in yourself, knowing that you are capable and self-sufficient, really makes material success more like the icing on the cake.

DEFINE YOURSELF

 I do not define myself by how many roadblocks have appeared in my path.I define myself by the courage I’ve found to forge new roads.

 I do not define myself by how many disappointments I’ve faced.I define myself by the forgiveness and the faith I have found to begin again.

 I do not define myself by how long a relationship lasted.

 I define myself by how much I have loved, and been willing to love again.

 I do not define myself by how many times I have been knocked down.I define myself by how many times I have struggled to my feet.

 I am not my pain.

 I am not my past.

 I am that which has emerged from the fire

 The Social Butterfly

 ·٠•●♥ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·

Intimate Partner Violence: Risk and Protective Factors

Risk factors are associated with a greater likelihood of intimate partner violence (IPV) victimization or perpetration. They are contributing factors and may or may not be direct causes. Not everyone who is identified as "at risk" becomes involved in violence.

Some risk factors for IPV victimization and perpetration are the same. In addition, some risk factors for victimization and perpetration are associated with one another; for example, childhood physical or sexual victimization is a risk factor for future IPV perpetration and victimization.
A combination of individual, relational, community, and societal factors contribute to the risk of becoming a victim or perpetrator of IPV. Understanding these multilevel factors can help identify various opportunities for prevention.

Risk Factors for Intimate Partner Violence

Individual Risk Factors

• Low self-esteem
• Low income
• Low academic achievement
• Young age
• Aggressive or delinquent behavior as a youth
• Heavy alcohol and drug use
• Depression
• Anger and hostility
• Antisocial personality traits
• Borderline personality traits
• Prior history of being physically abusive
• Having few friends and being isolated from other people
• Unemployment
• Emotional dependence and insecurity
• Belief in strict gender roles (e.g., male dominance and aggression in relationships)
• Desire for power and control in relationships
• Perpetrating psychological aggression
• Being a victim of physical or psychological abuse (consistently one of the strongest predictors of perpetration)
• History of experiencing poor parenting as a child
• History of experiencing physical discipline as a child

Relationship Factors

• Marital conflict-fights, tension, and other struggles
• Marital instability-divorces or separations
• Dominance and control of the relationship by one partner over the other
• Economic stress
• Unhealthy family relationships and interactions

Community Factors

• Poverty and associated factors (e.g., overcrowding)
• Low social capital-lack of institutions, relationships, and norms that shape a community's social interactions
• Weak community sanctions against IPV (e.g., unwillingness of neighbors to intervene in situations where they witness violence)

Societal Factors

• Traditional gender norms (e.g., women should stay at home, not enter workforce, and be submissive; men support the family and make the decisions)

Additional Resources

Literature Reviews

• Heise L, Garcia-Moreno C. Violence by intimate partners. In: Krug E, Dahlberg LL, Mercy JA, et al., editors. World report on violence and health. Geneva (Switzerland): World Health Organization; 2002. p. 87-121. Available from: http://www.who.int/violence_injury_prevention/violence/ global_campaign/en/chap4.pdf [PDF 222KB]
• Kantor GK, Jasinski JL. Dynamics and risk factors in partner violence. In: Jasinski JL, Williams LM, editors. Partner violence: a comprehensive review of 20 years of research. Thousand Oaks (CA): Sage; 1998. p. 1-43.
• Stith, S.M., Smith, D.B., Penn, C., Ward, D., & Tritt, D. (2004). Risk factor analysis for spouse physical maltreatment: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Aggression and Violent Behavior, 10, 65-98.
• Tjaden P, Thoennes N. Extent, nature, and consequences of intimate partner violence: findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey. Washington (DC): Department of Justice (US); 2000a. Publication No. NCJ 181867. Available from: http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/nij/pubs-sum/181867.htm

How to Forgive Yourself

How many times have you heard the statement “I’ll never be able to forgive myself for what I’ve done?” Maybe you’re even guilty of making that statement yourself. Forgiveness can be a very hard thing to offer another who has offended or hurt us, but forgiving ourselves seems to be even harder. There seems to be a tendency to hold ourselves far more accountable than we hold others for the very same offense.

Why is that? One reason is pride. While that may seem to be a contradiction, it’s really not. Whenever we enforce a different set of rules, or enact a higher set of standards for ourselves over others, that is pride. When we can find it within our self to forgive others, but not ourselves, what we are in effect saying is that we are less capable of making a poor decision than others. We are stating that we believe our self to be more discerning, sensible, more insightful and more careful than others, and therefore, we have no excuse for doing what we did and should not forgive ourselves. When God Himself, offers to forgive the sins of all who seek His forgiveness but we refuse to forgive ourselves, we are setting ourselves above others and that, called by any other name is still pride.

How to Forgive Yourself:
So how does one forgive one’s self? Simple, in the same way they would forgive someone else. The principles are the same.
First, one must seek the forgiveness of God for all sin ultimately is against Him. King David reminded us of that when he sought forgiveness for sleeping with a married woman. He then compounded the offense when he had her husband removed from the picture by ordering him to the front lines of battle where he knew he’d be killed. In Psalm 51:3&4, he cries out to God and says, “For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me. Against you and you only I have sinned and done what is evil in your sight.”
God is ready and waiting to forgive your sin and then, He promises to remember it no more.
I John 1:9 “If we confess our sin, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sin and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
The next step is to remember that forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. In the same way you must choose to forgive someone, (not just try and feel better about them or what they did) you must choose to forgive yourself.
Next, it is very important to remember that forgiveness does not mean excusing the action – for another person, or yourself. That is what so powerful about forgiveness. It’s choosing to forgive in spite of the wrong or terrible thing done to or by you. It also means not dwelling on it any more or bringing it up again in any further conversation, either with others, or yourself.
When true forgiveness takes place, it involves taking pity on that person and recognizing that they need grace as much as you do. Forgiving yourself means taking pity on yourself, as much as you would anyone else. Along with that, goes recognizing and acknowledging your need for grace. Don’t be hard on yourself. You are a human being with weakness and flaws and a great capacity for making mistakes. Take responsibility for the wrongs you’ve done, receive God’s forgiveness and then extend that hand of mercy to yourself.
If, God in all His greatness and power freely extends forgiveness to you when you ask, who are you not to do the same for yourself?

Love Yourself Unconditionally

There are several theories on self confidence, but the final step to truly building self-esteem is to love yourself unconditionally. Treat yourself regardless of the circumstance. Start to challenge past negative experiences or messages by taking care of yourself in ways that show that you are precious, capable, lovable, and deserving.

10 Steps to TRULY BUILDING UP YOUR Inner SELF

1. Take Care of Your Basic Needs
This may seem obvious, but its often forgotten. Sleep! Eat Healthy! Get Exercise! Practice Cleanliness... you've probably heard it a thousand times, now do it!

2. Plan for Fun & Relaxation
Social time with friends, Movies, sports, massages, naps, prayer etc are all good ways to relax and have fun. Do more of the activities you enjoy.

3. Reward Yourself For Your Good Things You've Done
You could take the night off to celebrate good grades, spend time with a friend, or compliment yourself for making that hard phone call.

4.Remind Yourself of Your Strengths & Accomplishments
One way is to make a list of things you like about yourself. You can also keep a scrapbook of all your awards, certificates, photos, etc throughout the years.

5.Forgive Yourself When You Don't Do All You'd Hoped
Taking good care of yourself can be really hard if you are not used to doing it. Don't be critical of yourself. You are loved, and you have so much to offer the world.

LOVE YOURSELF

When you make a decision to love yourself, you are really saying that you want to come alive. You accept that you are responsible for the outcomes that you experience in your life and would like yourself to shine from living a fulfilling life.
So if you’ve decided on loving yourself but are as equally stumped on how to love yourself, as I was back then, here are 17 ways which I believe can be helpful:
1. Fall in love with yourself. Think about what makes you You. Just like a flower that needs watering to grow, learn to nurture yourself in every way. Love yourself for all the good that you see and accept your flaws and the fact that you are imperfect. This does not mean that you do not learn to change from your shortcomings; instead, you are being gentle and kind to yourself despite all your “flaws”. Look in the mirror and fall in love with the reflection that is You.

“To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.”
Oscar Wilde quotes (Irish Poet, Novelist, Dramatist and Critic, 1854-1900)

2. Eliminate Self Criticism. Do you often berate yourself over the tiniest thing? Is there a little voice inside your head that often tells you that you are no good because you are stupid or make mistakes. If you find that you criticize yourself often, make an effort to stop the self criticism.

“I CAN is 100 times more important than IQ.” — unknown

3. Be Kind And Positive. When you start to think kindly and positively about yourself, the love you have for yourself just grows. Make it a habit to praise yourself everyday, while in the front of the mirror. Because of such thoughts, you naturally undertake empowering actions that support your development.
4. Acknowledge Your Effort. It is not always about winning or coming up tops in everything that you do. Many times, it is the effort that counts! Acknowledge that you have done your best, even if you have failed to produce tangible results.
5. Let Go Of Worry. Loving yourself requires you to let go of your worry. It is a horrible way to live a life filled with constant worrying. I can attest to that! Worry does not help in any way. It cannot, on its own, make things happen. Only wise actions can! So instead of worrying, spend time thinking about what you can do to help in the situation. If the situation is beyond your control, then make a request to the Universe/God about what you want. Next, surrender your outcome.

“There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will.” — Epictetus quotes (Greek philosopher associated with the Stoics, AD 55-c.135)

6. Trust Yourself. Have confidence in your abilities. Know that you have the ability to make important changes for yourself, for as long as you put your heart to it. You can also support yourself by visualizing desired outcomes.

“Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.”
Benjamin Spock quotes (American Pediatrician and Author, 1903-1998)

7. Forgive Yourself. If you have made mistakes in the past that had caused you to feel less worthy, then you need to forgive yourself. All of us make mistakes; so there really is no need to beat yourself up over them. Also, if you have been carrying around a baggage of emotional hurt because of a childhood trauma, learn to forgive yourself.

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
Lewis B. Smedes quotes

8. Be Truthful To Yourself. Loving yourself requires you to be truthful about your own feelings. If you are happy, acknowledge the joy. If you are sad, acknowledge the sorrow. When you are truthful about your feelings, you do not try to lie to yourself or seek to bury your negative emotions. Instead, acknowledging what you feel provides a good guide to what your thoughts are. And as we all know, thoughts can be changed, so that healing and self growth can take place.
9. Grow Spiritually. When you spend time growing spiritually, loving yourself becomes automatic. You become more peaceful, connected, kind, loving and compassionate. You nurture a mind that grows more beautiful by the day. You naturally love yourself in the process.
10. Make Positive Affirmations Everyday. Reframe your mind with positive affirmations. For instance, say this to yourself “I love and accept myself completely and unconditionally.” Read your affirmations out loud several times a day.
11. Express Gratitude. Express gratitude for the person that you are. For instance, cultivate an appreciation for your strengths and gifts. Also, feel a sense of gratitude that you are alive and well, and fully capable of making a difference in your life.
12. Nurture Your Dreams. Why deny yourself your dreams? When you nurture your dreams, you would love the life that you are leading. Every moment that you live is a joy because you are expressing yourself fully.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. —Mark Twain

13. Boost Your Self Confidence. Make a deliberate attempt to look for opportunities that can help improve your confidence. For instance, if you are particularly good at doing something, set aside more time to indulge and improve your skills on it. Knowing that you have particular gifts can boost your self esteem.
14. Relax. Give yourself space to take breaks every now and then. If you spend your time working, without paying attention to your health, it also means that you do not love yourself well enough to take care of your own body. Fill your time with silence, soothing music and visions of beauty; anything that nourishes your Soul.
15. Have Fun. Inject some fun into your life. Life is meant to be an enjoyable. Don’t take life or yourself too seriously. If you can think of life in this manner, you automatically relax and quit worrying over things that do not matter.
16. Look After Your Body. It is important that you strengthen yourself with proper nutrition and regular exercise. Your body is a temple and you should treat it with respect, love and care. It has been found that the lack of self love is often the root causes of conditions like eating disorders, obesity or even terminal diseases.

“Take care of your body. It’s the only place you have to live.”
Jim Rohn quotes (American Speaker and Author. He is famous for motivational audio programs for Business and Life. )

17. Learn To See Beauty. When you learn to see beauty in every thing, you will also see beauty in yourself. Hence, stop to smell the flowers. Notice everything. Feel everything. The pink blush of the flowers in your garden, the greenness of the plains, the whisper of the gentle wind, or the myriad hues of an evening sky.

Here is a good affirmation to read and reflect on…..

“I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it — I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes.
Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know — but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me.
However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me.
I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay.”
Denis2005 Virginia Satir quotes (American Psychologist and Educator, 1916-1988)