GODLY FREINDSHIPS

1 Corinthians 13:4-8
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”


I. What is a Godly Friend
a. Someone who is loyal
i. Proverbs 17:17
1. “A friend loves at all times”
ii. Proverbs 18:24
1. “There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother”
• David and Jonathan (read their story in 1 Samuel). Jonathan was loyal to David. David was loyal to Jonathan. It went both ways.
b. Someone who (knows how to keep a confidence TRUSTWORTHY)
i. Proverbs 25:9-10
1. “If you argue your case with a neighbor, do not betray another man’s confidence, or he who hears it may shame you and you will never lose your bad reputation”
ii. Person does not air dirty laundry
iii. Person does not Gossip.
1. Gossip will ruin a friendship
a. Proverbs 16:28
i. “A forward man soweth strife: and a whisperer separateth chief friends”
2. Gossip will ruin a reputation
3. Gossip will ruin and destroy a life if uncontrolled.
c. Someone who knows how to control their tongue
i. Proverbs 11:9
1. “With his mouth the godless destroys his neighbor, but through knowledge the righteous escape”
ii. Proverbs 11:12
1. “A man of understanding holds his tongue”
• If someone talks falsely of you, talk to him in private about the matter
• Don’t seek revenge upon that person.
o You’ll hurt that person and you’ll hurt yourself!
o “Vingeange is the Lord’s and He will repay”
• Beware of people who cause you trouble and then say “I was only kidding”
o Proverbs 26:28
 “A lying tongue hateth those that are afflicted by it; and a flattering mouth worketh ruin.”
d. Someone who is honest with you
i. True friendship cannot be built upon deceit, but upon total honesty.

REMOVING BITTERNESS FROM YOUR LIFE

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:31-32
Bitterness and resentment are poisons that destroy our lives. We have all been hurt or caused hurt to someone else. Yes, it hurts very badly, so we want to retaliate and hurt them for hurting us. What we usually end up doing is hurting someone else because of the discretion of another who had nothing to do with hurting us. As we all know, “hurt people hurt other people.”
Sadly, we usually become the thing we hate in someone else if we don’t forgive and let go of bitterness and resentment. We have been cheated on so we cheat on someone else; we have been abused, so we abuse others. When we are in bitterness, we move over into hate, which is akin to a heart to murder someone out of anger.
I once knew a woman who was sexually abused by her father, and was also later raped. As one can imagine, sexual abuse and rape is very painful and can cause various other issues. Out of her bitterness, resentment, and inability to forgive she became sexually promiscuous in an effort to punish men for the pain of her sexual abuse and rape. The last time we spoke several years ago, she stated she had been with over 65, men and half of those were within a six -month span of deep resentment and anger. She also had the mindset of “Men do it, why can’t women?” You see, her pain is associated with men; because of her bitterness, she hates or is distrustful of all men.
Please don’t live your life scarred, or playing victim. What is most important is that we judge ourselves and make the necessary corrections about ourselves. I am a firm believer that our pain is 90% self-inflicted. We have to always check our motives for wanting people in our life and ask ourselves if these motives are healthy. For example, did you want to explore a relationship because you just wanted companionship or sex? Was it lust based on sex or physical attraction? Money? His or her career, or social standing? Many times, we attract the wrong people because we are the wrong person for ourselves. You see, bad motives or selfish desires will produce negative results every time.
Even when our motives are pure we have to first make sure we are emotionally healthy enough to have a relationship. We have to first, heal from past pain and unresolved issues. Only then can we learn to be happy alone and love self before we can love anyone else.
God has given you the authority to set yourself free and release yourself from bitterness and pain. Please don’t allow injustices of other people to cause you to miss out on God’s best for your life. I was in a relationship once where I struggled to forgive the woman because I felt so, betrayed and used by her. Ultimately, it destroyed the relationship. I know first- hand how hard it is to forgive someone. I’ve cried many nights until my pillow was washed in tears. I deeply understand disappointment, pain and struggling to forgive myself and the people who hurt me. Walking around angry and bitter about who has hurt you causes you to live that pain daily. As long as you are bitter you will repeal happiness and peace in your life.

Here are ten tips to overcome bitterness and resentment:

1. Ask God to forgive you for being bitter and resentful. Then ask him to forgive who   has hurt you. “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your father will not forgive your sins. Matt. 6:14
2. Don’t allow the bad that happened to keep you from God’s best.
3. Don’t enter a relationship or date because you will only hurt someone else.
4. Pray daily for God to heal you and research scriptures to study and apply to your life daily.
5. God will bring the justice. Your instruction is to forgive.
6. When you forgive you remove the offender’s power to hurt you. Accept what has happened and understand you have to heal. Seek professional help if necessary
7. Understand that when we continue to walk around hurt and bitter, the people who have hurt us are hurting us every day and in most cases, have moved on and are enjoying life.
8. Allow God to help you forgive and forget. Some of us don’t trust God; thus, we continue living in pain. Don’t forget to continue to ask God to forgive who has hurt you. Ask God to bless their life and heal them as well.
9. Understand that forgetting means you are letting go of what they did to you. It does not mean you have amnesia.
10. Don’t feel or act like you have to seek revenge. The Bible teaches us God will bring us our justice. He knows what was done to you and what you have done to others. “God will repay the exact compensation owed to us. He will settle and solve the cases of his people.” Hebrews 10:30

Worship in spirit and truth

John 4: 23

But the hour cometh, and now is when the true worshippers shall worship the father in spirit and in truth: for the father seeketh such to worship him.

Explanation:

Jesus teaches several things in this verse.  In spirit points to the level at which true worship occurs.  One must come to God in complete sincerity and with a spirit that is directed by the life and activity of the Holy Spirit.  Truth is characteristic of God, incarnate in Christ, intrinsic to the Holy Spirit and at the heart of the gospel.  Therefore, worship must take place according to the truth of the father that is revealed in the son and received through the spirit.  Those who advocate a worship that sets aside the truth and doctrines of the word of God have in reality set aside the only foundation for true worship.

 John 4:24

God is a Spirit: and they that worship him must worship him in spirit and in truth.

 Explanation:

Because Christ is the truth to live in union with Christ requires speaking the truth.  To claim to have fellowship with Christ and possess salvation, yet not to live and speak according to the truth is to be deceived.  Untruth reveals the basic condition of one’s heart, that one is still in fundamental opposition to God and is thus ungenerated and outside of the kingdom of heaven.

John 9:30-31

The man answered and said to them, why, this is a marvelous thing, that you do no know where he is form; yet he has opened my eyes.  Now we know that God does not hear sinners; but if anyone is a worshiper of God, and does his will, he hears him.

Revelation 11: 16-17

And the twenty-four elders who sat before God on their thrones fell on their faces and worshiped God.  Saying: We give you thanks, O Lord God Almighty.  The one who is and who was and who is to come.  Because you have taken your great power and reigned.

 Praise and Worship:

It is the believer’s responsibility to discover how the Lord wants to be worshipped and to explore and cultivate a relationship with him out of which sincere, Holy Spirit enabled worship will flow.  Jesus instructs it; worship in spirit that is, alive through new birth and aglow with Holy Spirit enablement. 

The Qualities of a Godly Husband

Initially it seemed that Proverbs had little to say to the woman who sought to discern the qualities of a godly husband. I have come to see that this is not at all the case. In general, we can say that a woman should seek a man who is wise. Since we have already studied the characteristics of the wise, we will only summarize them here. These seem especially applicable to marriage:

1. A wise husband is kind and compassionate (12:10).

2. A wise husband is honest (29:24).

3. A wise husband is hard-working (12:11; 27:23-27).

4. A wise husband is truthful (12:17,19).

5. A wise husband exercises self-control (12:15; 16:32).

6. A wise husband has a gentle tongue (12:18; 15:1-2,4).

7. A wise husband is generous (14:21; 28:27).

8. A wise husband is willing to be corrected (even by his wife) and listens to counsel (12:15; 15:12,31-32; 28:13; 29:1).

9. A wise husband is a man of integrity (19:1; 20:7).

10. A wise husband is faithful and reliable (17:17; 29:3; contrast 25:19; 31:3).

11. A wise husband is forgiving (19:11).

12. A wise husband is willing to admit he is wrong (28:13).

13. A wise husband is humble (15:25,33; 16:18-19; 18:12; 29:23).

14. A wise husband is not contentious, but a peacemaker (17:1; 18:1,19).

15. A wise husband has control of his temper (14:29; 16:32; 17:27; 29:11).

16. A wise husband is a man who avoids excesses (20:1; 23:20-21, 29-35; 31:3-9).

17. A wise husband has a concern for others, especially the poor and the oppressed (29:7).

18. A wise husband can keep a confidence (17:9; 26:20).

19. A wise husband fears God and is obedient to His Word (13:13; 14:26; 16:20; 28:25; 31:30).

20. A wise husband is not a jealous man (27:4).

21. A The wise husband has a positive outlook on life (15:15; 17:22; 18:14).

As I look at these characteristics of the wise I am reminded of the qualifications laid down by the apostle Paul for elders and deacons in 1 Timothy 3.I find a great similarity between the qualifications for church leaders and the characteristics of the wise in Proverbs. But should this come as a surprise? After all, isn’t Proverbs written to young men who will be leaders, instructing them about wisdom? In this sense 1 Timothy 3 only summarizes what Proverbs has taught in greater detail.

10 Simple Ways to Live a Less Stressful Life

“If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn’t ask me, I’d still have to say it.” - George F. Burns

Stress is a major problem for many people — a hectic, stressful job, a chaotic home life, bills to worry about, and bad habits such as unhealthy eating, drinking and smoking can lead to a mountain of stress.

If your life is full of stress, like mine once was, there are some simle things you can do to get your life to a more manageable level.
Now, your life will probably never be stress-free — I don’t think that’s even desirable, even if it is possible, because stress is something that challenges us and helps us grow. At a reasonable level. But when stress gets too high, it causes us to be unhappy and unhealthy.
It wasn’t that long ago when I was working long hours in a very stressful job, with little time for my family, smoking and eating fatty foods and not exercising. I had a lot of debt and too many bills. I was unhappy and stressed out all the time. I was losing hair … OK, actually that was because of genetics, but still. I was pretty stressed.
So I made some drastic changes. I quit my job. I simplified my life. I quit smoking and started exercising and eating healthier. I began to eliminate my debt. And I learned some habits that, when applied on a daily basis, can really transform the way you live, in a positive way.
How did I do all of this? One thing at a time. I didn’t do a major rehaul of my life. I changed one habit a month, and gradually over the course of a year or two changed a lot of things in my life.
I won’t guarantee that all of these will work for you. They worked for me, but each person is different. Pick and choose the ones that will work best for you, and give them a try. One at a time.
1. One thing at a time. This is the simplest and best way to start reducing your stress, and you can start today. Right now. Focus as much as possible on doing one thing at a time. Clear your desk of distractions. Pick something to work on. Need to write a report? Do only that. Remove distractions such as phones and email notifications while you’re working on that report. If you’re going to do email, do only that. This takes practice, and you’ll get urges to do other things. Just keep practicing and you’ll get better at it.
2. Simplify your schedule. A hectic schedule is a major cause of high stress. Simplify by reducing the number of commitments in your life to just the essential ones. Learn to say no to the rest — and slowly get out of commitments that aren’t beneficial to you. Schedule only a few important things each day, and put space between them. Get out of meetings when they aren’t absolutely essential. Leave room for down time and fun.
3. Get moving. Do something each day to be active — walk, hike, play a sport, go for a run, do yoga. It doesn’t have to be grueling to reduce stress. Just move. Have fun doing it.
4. Develop one healthy habit this month. Other than getting active, improving your health overall will help with the stress. But do it one habit at a time. Eat fruits and veggies for snacks. Floss every day. Quit smoking. Cook something healthy for dinner. Drink water instead of soda. One habit at a time.
5. Do something calming. What do you enjoy that calms you down? For many people, it can be the “get moving” activity discussed above. But it could also be taking a nap, or a bath, or reading, or having sex (which can also be considered a “get moving” activity if you do it for longer than 5 minutes). Other people are calmed by housework or yardwork. Some people like to meditate, or take a nature walk. Find your calming activity and try to do it each day.
6. Simplify your finances. Finances can be a drain on your energy and a major stressor. If that’s true with you, figure out ways to simplify things. Automate savings and bill payments and debt payments. Spend less by going shopping (at malls or online) much less. Find ways to have fun that don’t involve spending money.
7. Have a blast! Have fun each day, even if it’s just for a few minutes. I like to play with my kids — they take my mind off everything and are really hilarious. I also like to play sports (again, often with my kids). Board games are fun. Sex, again, can be a fun activity. Whatever you choose, be sure to laugh.
8. Get creative. Throwing yourself into a creative activity is another great way to de-stress and to prevent stress. I like writing, but others like to paint or play music or sketch or make pottery or do interior design or build things.
9. Declutter. This is a favorite of mine. I like to take 20-30 minutes and just go through a room, getting rid of stuff we don’t use or need anymore. I look around at anything that’s cluttering up a room, and get rid of it or find a better place for it. When I’m done, I have a nice, peaceful enviornment for work, play, and living. Do this a little at a time — it can be one of your “fun activities”.
10. Be early. I will admit that it’s hard to be early when you have to get 6 kids ready (seriously — try it!). But being late can be very stressful. Try to leave earlier by getting ready earlier, or by scheduling more space between events. Things always take longer than normal, so schedule some buffer time: extra time to get ready, to commute, to do errands before you need to be somewhere, to attend a meeting before another scheduled appointment. If you get somewhere early, it’s good to have some reading material.
How do you keep the stress in your life to a manageable level? Share in the comments.

“Loafing needs no explanation and is its own excuse.” - Christopher Morley

MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE

1. Know yourself

You want to drive from the east coast to the west coast. You get to the crossroads (east/west interstate crosses north/south interstate) and you see a magnificent sculpture off in the distance. You turn toward the sculpture. Enjoy the beauty. Take pictures. And continue driving. A few hours later you cross the Tennessee state line. South, not west, of your starting point. You correct yourself and head west again – fretting over all the time and gas you wasted going in the wrong direction. Further up the road you stop for gas and getting back on the freeway, you notice a gorgeous sunset over the mountain. You turn toward it, stopping to get some great pictures. And just around the next bend, there’s a waterfall. You stop and gaze a long time. It’s incredible. You can feel the power of the water flowing through your veins. The pictures don’t do it justice but you take them anyway, wondering what you can do to bring the power to the print, to keep it alive. You continue driving, stopping to get the perfect shots. An hour later, you realize that you’re traveling north. On a side road. Back the way you’d originally come.
Your problem is that you’re driving west because you think you should. Your dream is to be an artist. To surround yourself with natural beauty. To take pictures. Or maybe even just to go on a road trip with no destination in mind. To make your dreams come true you must first have the courage to look inside yourself, be honest with yourself, and know your dreams.

2. Release judgment

Our minds are filled from the time we’re born with the lessons of those around us. Our parents, older siblings, playmates, family, teachers, society all are our teachers. We learn how to behave, how to fit in, what is expected of us, how to articulate, even how to think. We learn right and wrong and we learn how to judge the difference. We learn how to judge every situation, every person, every activity. Is it wholesome? Legal? Kind? Does it fit into the norms of society? Will it get you ahead? Make you a lot of money? Provide security? We learn to turn away from anything that does not meet the standards that are set for us by others. We learn to focus on what we should do as set forth by the judgments of others, rather than allowing ourselves to give in and do what our souls drive us to do. If your dream is not the ‘American Dream’ (or the dream of your current society) then it’s not.

Our parents, older siblings, playmates, family, teachers, society all are our teachers.

3. Research

Find out all you can about whatever it is you want to do. With the wealth of information available on the internet, this is easier than ever. You want to be a writer? Find a public yahoo message board for writers. You want to fly an airplane? Search private pilots on Google. Or search for someplace near by that gives flying lessons. Find out how long it takes to get your pilot’s license. Find out how much it costs. Read testimonials of other pilots and see if the words resonate with you – if they build the fire within you to do what they have done. Watch movies about flying – about the first pilots. Read books. Talk to people. All of this will not only solidify your desires, but it will make you actively a part of the activity. Researching that which you most desire keeps the flame hot, much like food and water energize the body. Researching brings you that much closer to your dreams.

4. Believe

If you don’t believe in yourself, or your right to have what you most desire, no one else will believe either. If you don’t believe in yourself, your chances of ever having what you most want are miniscule. With rare exception, life doesn’t just hand you your heart’s desire. Nor do other people. Those around you will more likely mold you to fit them – not even always out of selfishness. Those who know what they need and want tend to ask for it, work toward it, they’re internally driven to do so, and those in their sphere, or their path, tend to accommodate them. Don’t be afraid to believe that you deserve what you want. Don’t be afraid to believe that you are extraordinary.

5. Don’t Give Up. Ever.

I have a quote on my bulletin board that reads: ‘Edison failed ten thousand times before he perfected the modern electric lamp. The average man would have quit at the first failure. That’s why there are so many average men and only one Edison.’ I wanted to be a writer. My only dream (other than love and health and family) was to be a writer. I’d write books that I believed were really good. I’d send them in. And time after time, for years, they were rejected. I could have stopped. Many thought I should have stopped. But I’d read my quote about Edison, type the words, Chapter One, and begin again.
Viktor Frankl was a resident of a prison camp during the holocaust. One of his ‘dreams’ was to maintain control of his own mind, his own psyche. He was a doctor and I suppose, in the deepest sense, his dream was to survive. No matter what kind of tortures his captures inflicted upon him, he believed that he maintained control of his life. His captors only had his body, not his heart, mind or soul. One of his keys to survival was to go outside and deliver speeches about “Psychotherapeutic Experiences in a Concentration Camp” to imaginary audiences. He believed in himself, in his dreams enough that he acted them out. The man not only survived the holocaust, not only survived imprisonment, he instilled positive energy in those around him as well, helping others to survive. He went on to be a celebrated psychologist, gifted in his field, until his death in 1997.
These, and other examples, taught me that in the end, the only person who can prevent you from reaching your dreams is you. My fifty-five published books and a place on the USA Today Bestseller List is testimony that the above is true.

Five Characteristics of Successful Women

You see them all around you; women succeeding in every avenue of life. They seem to have direction and know what they’re doing. They seem busy, satisfied, and put together while you can barely coordinate an outfit. You wonder how they manage to look so calm and collected when you know they work full-time and yet somehow concurrently enjoy a full and happy home life.

How do these women do it? While there is no magical secret to success, there are certainly characteristics that most successful women share, and if you can adopt them in your own life, there’s no reason you can’t attain the same level of success.
1. Determined. Those who succeed are willing to try, fail, and try again. You’ve heard the saying “no risk, no reward” and truly successful women embrace this idea whole-heartedly. In order to advance in any area of your life, you have to be willing to go out on a limb. But more than that, you must have the willpower to pick yourself up when you fall flat on your face, and continue with even more resolve.

2. Resourceful. Let’s face it; women do not have the same advantages as men. True, they are light years ahead of where they sat just a few generations ago (presumably in the kitchen instead of the boardroom), but they still face a lot of hurdles when it comes to professional inclusion and progression. For that reason, women must use every tool in their arsenal in order to reach the same heights. They must garner a strong base of education and experience, and blend them with interpersonal skills to get ahead.

 3. Engaging. Many women in office settings suffer from the same disorder; a woeful inability to speak up. Women are much more likely to downplay their own role and attribute successes to a team, whereas men seeking to climb the ladder will almost always take credit for their achievements (and make sure everyone hears about them). You must not only do well in your position in order to get promoted, you must be willing to market yourself as an asset and convince others of your value.

4. Ambitious. Women without ambition rarely achieve greatness. Queen Elizabeth I gave up the chance at a family (and had her own sister imprisoned) in order to rule England. Susan B. Anthony and many other suffragettes risked being ostracized and thrown in jail in order to spread the message of women’s equality. Throughout history, the most successful women have been willing to take control of their own lives and do whatever was necessary to reach their goals.

5. Confident. Without a firm belief in yourself, you cannot hope to achieve true success. Nobody wants to back someone who is uncertain about their own ability to follow through. Those who lack confidence may be seen as spineless, incompetent, and even lazy, whether they are or not. Women who are self-assured, on the other hand, inspire confidence in others. And believing in yourself, knowing that you are capable and self-sufficient, really makes material success more like the icing on the cake.

DEFINE YOURSELF

 I do not define myself by how many roadblocks have appeared in my path.I define myself by the courage I’ve found to forge new roads.

 I do not define myself by how many disappointments I’ve faced.I define myself by the forgiveness and the faith I have found to begin again.

 I do not define myself by how long a relationship lasted.

 I define myself by how much I have loved, and been willing to love again.

 I do not define myself by how many times I have been knocked down.I define myself by how many times I have struggled to my feet.

 I am not my pain.

 I am not my past.

 I am that which has emerged from the fire

 The Social Butterfly

 ·٠•●♥ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·

Intimate Partner Violence: Risk and Protective Factors

Risk factors are associated with a greater likelihood of intimate partner violence (IPV) victimization or perpetration. They are contributing factors and may or may not be direct causes. Not everyone who is identified as "at risk" becomes involved in violence.

Some risk factors for IPV victimization and perpetration are the same. In addition, some risk factors for victimization and perpetration are associated with one another; for example, childhood physical or sexual victimization is a risk factor for future IPV perpetration and victimization.
A combination of individual, relational, community, and societal factors contribute to the risk of becoming a victim or perpetrator of IPV. Understanding these multilevel factors can help identify various opportunities for prevention.

Risk Factors for Intimate Partner Violence

Individual Risk Factors

• Low self-esteem
• Low income
• Low academic achievement
• Young age
• Aggressive or delinquent behavior as a youth
• Heavy alcohol and drug use
• Depression
• Anger and hostility
• Antisocial personality traits
• Borderline personality traits
• Prior history of being physically abusive
• Having few friends and being isolated from other people
• Unemployment
• Emotional dependence and insecurity
• Belief in strict gender roles (e.g., male dominance and aggression in relationships)
• Desire for power and control in relationships
• Perpetrating psychological aggression
• Being a victim of physical or psychological abuse (consistently one of the strongest predictors of perpetration)
• History of experiencing poor parenting as a child
• History of experiencing physical discipline as a child

Relationship Factors

• Marital conflict-fights, tension, and other struggles
• Marital instability-divorces or separations
• Dominance and control of the relationship by one partner over the other
• Economic stress
• Unhealthy family relationships and interactions

Community Factors

• Poverty and associated factors (e.g., overcrowding)
• Low social capital-lack of institutions, relationships, and norms that shape a community's social interactions
• Weak community sanctions against IPV (e.g., unwillingness of neighbors to intervene in situations where they witness violence)

Societal Factors

• Traditional gender norms (e.g., women should stay at home, not enter workforce, and be submissive; men support the family and make the decisions)

Additional Resources

Literature Reviews

• Heise L, Garcia-Moreno C. Violence by intimate partners. In: Krug E, Dahlberg LL, Mercy JA, et al., editors. World report on violence and health. Geneva (Switzerland): World Health Organization; 2002. p. 87-121. Available from: http://www.who.int/violence_injury_prevention/violence/ global_campaign/en/chap4.pdf [PDF 222KB]
• Kantor GK, Jasinski JL. Dynamics and risk factors in partner violence. In: Jasinski JL, Williams LM, editors. Partner violence: a comprehensive review of 20 years of research. Thousand Oaks (CA): Sage; 1998. p. 1-43.
• Stith, S.M., Smith, D.B., Penn, C., Ward, D., & Tritt, D. (2004). Risk factor analysis for spouse physical maltreatment: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Aggression and Violent Behavior, 10, 65-98.
• Tjaden P, Thoennes N. Extent, nature, and consequences of intimate partner violence: findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey. Washington (DC): Department of Justice (US); 2000a. Publication No. NCJ 181867. Available from: http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/nij/pubs-sum/181867.htm

How to Forgive Yourself

How many times have you heard the statement “I’ll never be able to forgive myself for what I’ve done?” Maybe you’re even guilty of making that statement yourself. Forgiveness can be a very hard thing to offer another who has offended or hurt us, but forgiving ourselves seems to be even harder. There seems to be a tendency to hold ourselves far more accountable than we hold others for the very same offense.

Why is that? One reason is pride. While that may seem to be a contradiction, it’s really not. Whenever we enforce a different set of rules, or enact a higher set of standards for ourselves over others, that is pride. When we can find it within our self to forgive others, but not ourselves, what we are in effect saying is that we are less capable of making a poor decision than others. We are stating that we believe our self to be more discerning, sensible, more insightful and more careful than others, and therefore, we have no excuse for doing what we did and should not forgive ourselves. When God Himself, offers to forgive the sins of all who seek His forgiveness but we refuse to forgive ourselves, we are setting ourselves above others and that, called by any other name is still pride.

How to Forgive Yourself:
So how does one forgive one’s self? Simple, in the same way they would forgive someone else. The principles are the same.
First, one must seek the forgiveness of God for all sin ultimately is against Him. King David reminded us of that when he sought forgiveness for sleeping with a married woman. He then compounded the offense when he had her husband removed from the picture by ordering him to the front lines of battle where he knew he’d be killed. In Psalm 51:3&4, he cries out to God and says, “For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me. Against you and you only I have sinned and done what is evil in your sight.”
God is ready and waiting to forgive your sin and then, He promises to remember it no more.
I John 1:9 “If we confess our sin, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sin and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
The next step is to remember that forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. In the same way you must choose to forgive someone, (not just try and feel better about them or what they did) you must choose to forgive yourself.
Next, it is very important to remember that forgiveness does not mean excusing the action – for another person, or yourself. That is what so powerful about forgiveness. It’s choosing to forgive in spite of the wrong or terrible thing done to or by you. It also means not dwelling on it any more or bringing it up again in any further conversation, either with others, or yourself.
When true forgiveness takes place, it involves taking pity on that person and recognizing that they need grace as much as you do. Forgiving yourself means taking pity on yourself, as much as you would anyone else. Along with that, goes recognizing and acknowledging your need for grace. Don’t be hard on yourself. You are a human being with weakness and flaws and a great capacity for making mistakes. Take responsibility for the wrongs you’ve done, receive God’s forgiveness and then extend that hand of mercy to yourself.
If, God in all His greatness and power freely extends forgiveness to you when you ask, who are you not to do the same for yourself?

Love Yourself Unconditionally

There are several theories on self confidence, but the final step to truly building self-esteem is to love yourself unconditionally. Treat yourself regardless of the circumstance. Start to challenge past negative experiences or messages by taking care of yourself in ways that show that you are precious, capable, lovable, and deserving.

10 Steps to TRULY BUILDING UP YOUR Inner SELF

1. Take Care of Your Basic Needs
This may seem obvious, but its often forgotten. Sleep! Eat Healthy! Get Exercise! Practice Cleanliness... you've probably heard it a thousand times, now do it!

2. Plan for Fun & Relaxation
Social time with friends, Movies, sports, massages, naps, prayer etc are all good ways to relax and have fun. Do more of the activities you enjoy.

3. Reward Yourself For Your Good Things You've Done
You could take the night off to celebrate good grades, spend time with a friend, or compliment yourself for making that hard phone call.

4.Remind Yourself of Your Strengths & Accomplishments
One way is to make a list of things you like about yourself. You can also keep a scrapbook of all your awards, certificates, photos, etc throughout the years.

5.Forgive Yourself When You Don't Do All You'd Hoped
Taking good care of yourself can be really hard if you are not used to doing it. Don't be critical of yourself. You are loved, and you have so much to offer the world.

LOVE YOURSELF

When you make a decision to love yourself, you are really saying that you want to come alive. You accept that you are responsible for the outcomes that you experience in your life and would like yourself to shine from living a fulfilling life.
So if you’ve decided on loving yourself but are as equally stumped on how to love yourself, as I was back then, here are 17 ways which I believe can be helpful:
1. Fall in love with yourself. Think about what makes you You. Just like a flower that needs watering to grow, learn to nurture yourself in every way. Love yourself for all the good that you see and accept your flaws and the fact that you are imperfect. This does not mean that you do not learn to change from your shortcomings; instead, you are being gentle and kind to yourself despite all your “flaws”. Look in the mirror and fall in love with the reflection that is You.

“To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.”
Oscar Wilde quotes (Irish Poet, Novelist, Dramatist and Critic, 1854-1900)

2. Eliminate Self Criticism. Do you often berate yourself over the tiniest thing? Is there a little voice inside your head that often tells you that you are no good because you are stupid or make mistakes. If you find that you criticize yourself often, make an effort to stop the self criticism.

“I CAN is 100 times more important than IQ.” — unknown

3. Be Kind And Positive. When you start to think kindly and positively about yourself, the love you have for yourself just grows. Make it a habit to praise yourself everyday, while in the front of the mirror. Because of such thoughts, you naturally undertake empowering actions that support your development.
4. Acknowledge Your Effort. It is not always about winning or coming up tops in everything that you do. Many times, it is the effort that counts! Acknowledge that you have done your best, even if you have failed to produce tangible results.
5. Let Go Of Worry. Loving yourself requires you to let go of your worry. It is a horrible way to live a life filled with constant worrying. I can attest to that! Worry does not help in any way. It cannot, on its own, make things happen. Only wise actions can! So instead of worrying, spend time thinking about what you can do to help in the situation. If the situation is beyond your control, then make a request to the Universe/God about what you want. Next, surrender your outcome.

“There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will.” — Epictetus quotes (Greek philosopher associated with the Stoics, AD 55-c.135)

6. Trust Yourself. Have confidence in your abilities. Know that you have the ability to make important changes for yourself, for as long as you put your heart to it. You can also support yourself by visualizing desired outcomes.

“Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.”
Benjamin Spock quotes (American Pediatrician and Author, 1903-1998)

7. Forgive Yourself. If you have made mistakes in the past that had caused you to feel less worthy, then you need to forgive yourself. All of us make mistakes; so there really is no need to beat yourself up over them. Also, if you have been carrying around a baggage of emotional hurt because of a childhood trauma, learn to forgive yourself.

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
Lewis B. Smedes quotes

8. Be Truthful To Yourself. Loving yourself requires you to be truthful about your own feelings. If you are happy, acknowledge the joy. If you are sad, acknowledge the sorrow. When you are truthful about your feelings, you do not try to lie to yourself or seek to bury your negative emotions. Instead, acknowledging what you feel provides a good guide to what your thoughts are. And as we all know, thoughts can be changed, so that healing and self growth can take place.
9. Grow Spiritually. When you spend time growing spiritually, loving yourself becomes automatic. You become more peaceful, connected, kind, loving and compassionate. You nurture a mind that grows more beautiful by the day. You naturally love yourself in the process.
10. Make Positive Affirmations Everyday. Reframe your mind with positive affirmations. For instance, say this to yourself “I love and accept myself completely and unconditionally.” Read your affirmations out loud several times a day.
11. Express Gratitude. Express gratitude for the person that you are. For instance, cultivate an appreciation for your strengths and gifts. Also, feel a sense of gratitude that you are alive and well, and fully capable of making a difference in your life.
12. Nurture Your Dreams. Why deny yourself your dreams? When you nurture your dreams, you would love the life that you are leading. Every moment that you live is a joy because you are expressing yourself fully.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. —Mark Twain

13. Boost Your Self Confidence. Make a deliberate attempt to look for opportunities that can help improve your confidence. For instance, if you are particularly good at doing something, set aside more time to indulge and improve your skills on it. Knowing that you have particular gifts can boost your self esteem.
14. Relax. Give yourself space to take breaks every now and then. If you spend your time working, without paying attention to your health, it also means that you do not love yourself well enough to take care of your own body. Fill your time with silence, soothing music and visions of beauty; anything that nourishes your Soul.
15. Have Fun. Inject some fun into your life. Life is meant to be an enjoyable. Don’t take life or yourself too seriously. If you can think of life in this manner, you automatically relax and quit worrying over things that do not matter.
16. Look After Your Body. It is important that you strengthen yourself with proper nutrition and regular exercise. Your body is a temple and you should treat it with respect, love and care. It has been found that the lack of self love is often the root causes of conditions like eating disorders, obesity or even terminal diseases.

“Take care of your body. It’s the only place you have to live.”
Jim Rohn quotes (American Speaker and Author. He is famous for motivational audio programs for Business and Life. )

17. Learn To See Beauty. When you learn to see beauty in every thing, you will also see beauty in yourself. Hence, stop to smell the flowers. Notice everything. Feel everything. The pink blush of the flowers in your garden, the greenness of the plains, the whisper of the gentle wind, or the myriad hues of an evening sky.

Here is a good affirmation to read and reflect on…..

“I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it — I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes.
Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know — but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me.
However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me.
I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay.”
Denis2005 Virginia Satir quotes (American Psychologist and Educator, 1916-1988)

LOVE

The Social Butterfly

In life when we are looking for love it is important to note in our search that no one is perfect and that no one will be that exact perfect match. Instead we must look for someone that treats us as we should be, as the only one. Finding someone that has every single quality that we may desire in a mate could be a never-ending search.

On top of that a real love forces us to love everything about ...a person, including wherever in their lives that they may be flawed. Someone who treats you as though you are the only one is someone who is very special, because not everyone is able to do this. Remember to keep an open mind and don't expect anyone to be perfect, just expect that they love you with everything that is inside of them, just as you should love them with everything that is inside of yourself.

♥ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. ♥

Is there a link between eating disorders and sexual violence?

When a person is forced, coerced, or manipulated into any unwanted sexual activity, she or he may experience a variety of thoughts, feelings and reactions. While each person’s response to sexual violence is unique, there are some common responses that many people report in the course of their healing. In addition to feelings of guilt or shame, changes in sleeping patterns and flashbacks to the event, many people report eating disorders (NSVRC, 2010).

Several researchers (Sanci, Coffey, Olsson, Reid, Carlin & Patton, 2008; Wonderlich, Wilsnack, Wilsnack & Harris, 1996) have reported a significant link between experiencing sexual abuse as a child and developing bulimia nervosa. Sanci et al (2008) found that women who had experienced one instance of sexual abuse before the age of 16 were 2.5 times more likely to report bulimic behaviors. Those who reported 2 or more instances of sexual abuse were 4.9 times more likely to report eating disorders. Other studies have shown a link between sexual harassment and eating disorders (DePatie, Woods & Buchanan, 2008).

There are many reasons why a person who survives sexual violence may develop an eating disorder. Control over eating and weight can aid a person in feeling control over their life. This sense of control can be critical when ongoing abuse, flashbacks, nightmares or anxiety seem to overwhelm every other aspect of daily life. In that respect, controlling one’s food intake may serve as a coping skill. Food can also provide very real physical and emotional comforts. Research shows a link between obesity and sexual violence; victims often gain weight as a way to become less attractive, to become less visible, or to try to protect themselves from further violence and abuse (Dube, Anda, Whitfield, Brown, Felitti, Dong & Giles, 2005; see also The ACE Study). Some individuals report difficulties with body image and self-esteem after experiencing sexual violence, blaming their bodies for the actions of the person who assaulted them. The high rates of bulimic behaviors in particular can indicate an individual’s efforts to “cleanse” or “purify” as they work through their pain. Morse and Shapira (n.d.) share additional information on this link through experiences in therapeutic settings and by analyzing research findings.
Both sexual violence and eating disorders can develop at any point in a person’s lifetime. These experiences can affect someone regardless of gender, ethnicity, socioeconomic status, orientation, or religion. Advocates working to end sexual violence and organizations working to stop eating disorders have identified common strategies to create social change. One strategy is to promote media literacy. Media outlets tend to portray women’s bodies as over-sexualized, over-thin, and overall, unrealistic. Engaging young women and girls in conversations about body image and teaching them to think critically about what is shown in media can be one protective factor. The idea is to create a world in which violence, exploitation, and unrealistic body images are never acceptable.
How will you begin a conversation on media literacy and positive body image? What will you do to learn more about how to support sexual violence victims with eating disorders
September 1st, 2011CaseyKeeneLeave a commentGo to comments

NATURAL WAYS TO REDUCE STRESS

If stress, depression or anxiety is turning your life into a living hell, the
following 5 techniques will help you reduce stress anxiety and depression
naturally and quickly.

At the start of a new week, arrange several enjoyable activities spread
over the whole week that you really enjoy. Going to the movies, a night at
the theater, a nice meal in a restaurant, visiting family, a concert -
whatever you like. This will give you plenty of things to look forward to
throughout the week and alleviate that "the week is a slog" feeling.

Avoid comparing yourself to others who find themselves in extremely
difficult situations in life. Doing so will only lead to you feeling guilty. For
example, you see a report about a poverty in India and you think "why
do I feel like this when there's people who have it much worse than I
do." Your circumstances in life are your circumstances and are nothing to
do with anything or anyone else. Comparing yourself to others will not
help you in anyway. What's important is that you know stress, anxiety
and depression are real problems that can be overcome naturally so don't
think about the situations others are in, concentrate on getting better.

Brooding continually about all of the problems you face in your life is a
habit guaranteed to trigger stress, depression and anxiety. It's so
important to "switch off" from problems and a really good method to help
you is to listen to music. So, arrange a music night where you can shut out
the world and enjoy listening to your favourite music. It doesn't have to be
the soothing, mellow music, you can listen to whatever music gives you
pleasure and if you want to sing, dance or play air guitar, go ahead! If you
want to just relax and listen to music with a glass of wine, no problem! It's
your music night, listen to music you enjoy and immerse yourself in it.
Avoid playing any music that is sad, or emotional and that may trigger
painful memories from the past. That's not what you're aiming for here.
Listening to music is an excellent way to reduce stress, depression and
anxiety and I urge you to make a music night a regular event in your diary.

Burnout is an ever increasing problem in our society. As if a full working
day isn't enough, many people return home and have to do even more
work to run the family home, prepare meals, time for the children and a
never-ending stream of other chores and people all demanding your
attention. So make "me time" a priority. Schedule at least one 20 minute
break away from the firing line so you can you can relax in peace. At home,
ensure you make time each day so you can rest and relax. Rest and
relaxation are vital in maintaining both mental and physical health and
they'll help reduce stress, depression and anxiety.

Feeling as if you're trapped in a rut or that your life is going nowhere is
another part of stressful illnesses and this feeling can trigger depression.
Performing the same routines each and every day really isn't good for us.
OK, we do need to have some security, but a problem arises if we live life
in fear of taking even the slightest risk. So, make an effort to break out of
your comfort zone and try something new. Start a course, a fitness
program, try a new sport, learn a musical instrument, go on a activity
holiday or take up a new hobby. This will help to keep you fresh as
overcoming a challenge gives you a buzz and increases the enjoyment you
get from life. What a great way to reduce stress!

You can significantly reduce stress by using the above tips as often as you
can. Try and apply at least one of them every day and you will see a big
difference.

Building the Skills That Can Turn Conflicts into Opportunities

Conflict is a normal and necessary part of healthy relationships. After all, two people can’t be expected to agree on everything at all times. Therefore, learning how to deal with conflict—rather than avoiding it—is crucial.

When conflict is mismanaged, it can harm the relationship. But when handled in a respectful and positive way, conflict provides an opportunity for growth, ultimately strengthening the bond between two people. By learning the skills you need for successful conflict resolution, you can face disagreements with confidence and keep your personal and professional relationships strong and growing.

Understanding conflict in relationships

Conflict arises from differences. It occurs whenever people disagree over their values, motivations, perceptions, ideas, or desires. Sometimes these differences look trivial, but when a conflict triggers strong feelings, a deep personal need is at the core of the problem, such as a need to feel safe and secure, a need to feel respected and valued, or a need for greater closeness and intimacy.

Conflicts arise from differing needs

Everyone needs to feel understood, nurtured, and supported, but the ways in which these needs are met vary widely. Differing needs for feeling comfortable and safe create some of the most severe challenges in our personal and professional relationships.
Think about the conflicting need for safety and continuity versus the need to explore and take risks. You frequently see this conflict between toddlers and their parents. The child’s need is to explore, so the street or the cliff meets a need. But the parents’ need is to protect the child’s safety, so limiting exploration becomes a bone of contention between them.
It is important to acknowledge that both parties’ needs play important roles in the long-term success of most relationships, and each deserves respect and consideration. In personal relationships, a lack of understanding about differing needs can result in distance, arguments, and break-ups. In workplace conflicts, differing needs are often at the heart of bitter disputes. When you can recognize the legitimacy of conflicting needs and become willing to examine them in an environment of compassionate understanding, it opens pathways to creative problem solving, team building, and improved relationships.

Conflict 101

• A conflict is more than just a disagreement. It is a situation in which one or both parties perceive a threat (whether or not the threat is real).
• Conflicts continue to fester when ignored. Because conflicts involve perceived threats to our well-being and survival, they stay with us until we face and resolve them.
• We respond to conflicts based on our perceptions of the situation, not necessarily to an objective review of the facts. Our perceptions are influenced by our life experiences, culture, values, and beliefs.
• Conflicts trigger strong emotions. If you aren’t comfortable with your emotions or able to manage them in times of stress, you won’t be able to resolve conflict successfully.
• Conflicts are an opportunity for growth. When you’re able to resolve conflict in a relationship, it builds trust. You can feel secure, knowing your relationship can survive challenges and disagreements.

Conflict may feel more threatening to you than it really is

Do you fear conflict or avoid it at all costs? If your perception of conflict comes from frightening or painful memories from previous unhealthy relationships or your early childhood, you may expect all present-day disagreements to end badly. You may view conflict in relationships as demoralizing, humiliating, dangerous, and something to fear. If your early life experiences also left you feeling out of control and powerless, conflict may even be traumatizing for you.
If you view conflict as dangerous, it tends to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you go into a conflict situation already feeling extremely threatened, it’s tough to deal with the problem at hand in a healthy way. Instead, you are more likely to shut down or blow up in anger.

Healthy and unhealthy ways of managing and resolving conflict
Unhealthy responses to conflict:	Healthy responses to conflict
An inability to recognize and respond to the things that matter to the other person Explosive, angry, hurtful, and resentful reactions The withdrawal of love, resulting in rejection, isolation, shaming, and fear of abandonment An inability to compromise or see the other person’s side The fear and avoidance of conflict; the expectation of bad outcomes	The capacity to recognize and respond to the things that matter to the other person Calm, non-defensive, and respectful reactions A readiness to forgive and forget, and to move past the conflict without holding resentments or anger The ability to seek compromise and avoid punishing A belief that facing conflict head is the best thing for both sides

Successful conflict resolution depends on your ability to regulate stress and your emotions

Conflict triggers strong emotions and can lead to hurt feelings, disappointment, and discomfort. When handled in an unhealthy manner, it can cause irreparable rifts, resentments, and break-ups. But when conflict is resolved in a healthy way, it increases our understanding of one another, builds trust, and strengthens our relationship bonds.
If you are out of touch with your feelings or so stressed that you can only pay attention to a limited number of emotions, you won’t be able to understand your own needs. If you don’t understand your needs, you will have a hard time communicating with others and staying in touch with what is really troubling you. For example, couples often argue about petty differences—the way she hangs the towels, the way he parts his hair—rather than what is really bothering them.

The ability to successfully resolve conflict depends on your ability to:

• Manage stress quickly while remaining alert and calm. By staying calm, you can accurately read and interpret verbal and nonverbal communication.
• Control your emotions and behavior. When you’re in control of your emotions, you can communicate your needs without threatening, frightening, or punishing others.
• Pay attention to the feelings being expressed as well as the spoken words of others.
• Be aware of and respectful of differences. By avoiding disrespectful words and actions, you can resolve the problem faster.

In order to do this you will need to learn and practice two core skills: the ability to quickly reduce stress in the moment and the ability to remain comfortable enough with your emotions to react in constructive ways even in the midst of an argument or a perceived attack.

Quick stress relief: The first core conflict resolution skill

Being able to manage and relieve stress in the moment is the key to staying balanced, focused, and in control, no matter what challenges you face. If you don’t know how to stay centered and in control of yourself, you will become overwhelmed in conflict situations and unable to respond in healthy ways.
Psychologist Connie Lillas uses a driving analogy to describe the three most common ways people respond when they’re overwhelmed by stress:

• Foot on the gas. An angry or agitated stress response. You’re heated, keyed up, overly emotional, and unable to sit still.
• Foot on the brake. A withdrawn or depressed stress response. You shut down, space out, and show very little energy or emotion.
• Foot on both gas and brake. A tense and frozen stress response. You “freeze” under pressure and can’t do anything. You look paralyzed, but under the surface you’re extremely agitated.

Stress interferes with the ability to resolve conflict by limiting your ability to:

• Accurately read another person's nonverbal communication.
• Hear what someone is really saying.
• Be aware of your own feelings.

• Be in touch with your deep-rooted needs.
• Communicate your needs clearly.

Is stress a problem or you?

You may be so used to being stressed that you're not even aware you are stressed. Stress may be a problem in your life if you identify with the following:

• You often feel tense or tight somewhere in your body.
• You're not aware of movement in your chest or stomach when you breathe.
• Conflict absorbs your time and attention.

Learn how to beat stress in the moment

The best way to rapidly and reliably relieve stress (if you don't have someone close at hand to talk to) is through the senses: sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell. But each person responds differently to sensory input, so you need to find things that are soothing to you.

Emotional awareness: The second core conflict resolution skill

Emotional awareness is the key to understanding yourself and others. If you don’t know how you feel or why you feel that way, you won’t be able to communicate effectively or smooth over disagreements. Although knowing your own feelings may seem simple, many people ignore or try to sedate strong emotions like anger, sadness, and fear. But your ability to handle conflict depends on being connected to these feelings. If you’re afraid of strong emotions or if you insist on finding solutions that are strictly rational, your ability to face and resolve differences will be impaired.

Why emotional awareness is a key factor in resolving conflict

Emotional awareness—consciousness of your moment-to-moment emotional experience—and the ability to manage all of your feelings appropriately is the basis of a communication process that can resolve conflict.
Emotional awareness helps you:

• Understand what is really troubling other people
• Understand yourself, including what is really troubling you
• Stay motivated until the conflict is resolved
• Communicate clearly and effectively
• Attract and influence others

Assessing your ability to recognize and manage emotions

The following quiz helps you assess your level of emotional awareness. Answer the following questions with: almost never, occasionally, often, very frequently, or almost always. There are no right or wrong responses, only the opportunity to become better acquainted with your emotional responses.

What kind of relationship do I have with my emotions?

• Do I experience feelings that flow, encountering one emotion after another as your experiences change from moment to moment?
• Are my emotions accompanied by physical sensations that you experience in places like your stomach or chest?
• Do I experience discrete feelings and emotions, such as anger, sadness, fear, joy, each of which is evident in subtle facial expressions?
• Can I experience intense feelings that are strong enough to capture both your attention and that of others?
• Do I pay attention to your emotions? Do they factor into your decision making?

If any of these experiences are unfamiliar, your emotions may be turned down or turned off.

Nonverbal communication plays a big role in conflict resolution

The most important information exchanged during conflicts and arguments is often communicated nonverbally. Nonverbal communication is conveyed by emotionally-driven facial expressions, posture, gesture, pace, tone and intensity of voice.

The most important communication is wordless

When people are upset, the words they use rarely convey the issues and needs at the heart of the problem. When we listen for what is felt as well as said, we connect more deeply to our own needs and emotions, and to those of other people. Listening in this way also strengthens us, informs us, and makes it easier for others to hear us.
When you’re in the middle of a conflict, paying close attention to the other person’s nonverbal signals may help you figure out what the other person is really saying, respond in a way that builds trust, and get to the root of the problem. Simple nonverbal signals such as a calm tone of voice, a reassuring touch, or an interested or concerned facial expression can go a long way toward relaxing a tense exchange.
Your ability to accurately read another person depends on your own emotional awareness. The more aware you are of your own emotions, the easier it will be for you to pick up on the wordless clues that reveal what others are feeling.

Humor, judiciously used, can effectively defuse conflict

Once stress and emotion are brought into balance your capacity for joy, pleasure and playfulness is unleashed. Joy is a deceptively powerful resource. Studies show that you can surmount adversity, as long as you continue to have moments of joy. Humor plays a similar role when the challenge you're facing is conflict.
You can avoid many confrontations and resolve arguments and disagreements by communicating in a playful or humorous way. Humor can help you say things that might otherwise be difficult to express without creating a flap. However, it’s important that you laugh with the other person, not at them. When humor and play is used to reduce tension and anger, reframe problems, and put the situation into perspective, the conflict can actually become an opportunity for greater connection and intimacy.

Tips for managing and resolving conflict

Managing and resolving conflict requires the ability to quickly reduce stress and bring your emotions into balance. You can ensure that the process is as positive as possible by sticking to the following conflict resolution guidelines:

• Listen for what is felt as well as said. When we listen we connect more deeply to our own needs and emotions, and to those of other people. Listening in this way also strengthens us, informs us, and makes it easier for others to hear us.
• Make conflict resolution the priority rather than winning or "being right." Maintaining and strengthening the relationship, rather than “winning” the argument, should always be your first priority. Be respectful of the other person and his or her viewpoint.
• Focus on the present. If you’re holding on to old hurts and resentments, your ability to see the reality of the current situation will be impaired. Rather than looking to the past and assigning blame, focus on what you can do in the here-and-now to solve the problem.
• Pick your battles. Conflicts can be draining, so it’s important to consider whether the issue is really worthy of your time and energy. Maybe you don't want to surrender a parking space if you’ve been circling for 15 minutes. But if there are dozens of spots, arguing over a single space isn’t worth it.
• Be willing to forgive. Resolving conflict is impossible if you’re unwilling or unable to forgive. Resolution lies in releasing the urge to punish, which can never compensate for our losses and only adds to our injury by further depleting and draining our lives.
• Know when to let something go. If you can’t come to an agreement, agree to disagree. It takes two people to keep an argument going. If a conflict is going nowhere, you can choose to disengage and move on.

SELF CARE AND LOVE YOURSELF

Self Care If we are to be effective in the things we set out to do in life and in particular if you are embarking on a process of change, you need to be performing at your very best. To achieve this we must care for ourselves at all levels, ensuring that we receive the mental, physical, emotional and spiritual sutainance that we need and that as we expend our energies we allow ourselves time for renewal. Acts of self-care are acts of self-love and are essential to your wellbeing. Do not skimp on this process; not only is it essential, it is one of the most enjoyable, worthwhile and fun aspects of life that we need to undertake, so don't miss out on it! Maintain Your Balance Guard Your Boundaries Your boundaries reflect what is or is not aceptable for you as an individual. They mark out the things that are important to you and how you expect to be treated by others. It is your responsibility to guard these boundaries carefully because they represent your authentic self and your life goals. You must be prepared to say "no" to requests or demands that cross those boundaries and demand treatment from others that is consistent with them. Ask for Help Life can be hectic and sometimes it seems that the only way forward is to do everything yourself! Learn to trust others, be open to assistance from others and ask for help. By doing so you demonstrate your trust and respect for that person and you give them an opportunity to demonstrate it back to you. By looking for and asking for help, you can enhance your relationships and reduce your "time stress". Have Fun You know, inside each of us is a little child that just wants to play. I often wonder at what point in our journey to adulthood did we forget just how much fun playing is? If you have children... play with them, play with your partner or your friends... Laugh and have fun. True joy lies in these moments at last your inner-child and you get to play again as one. The benefits to your health, your emotions, your whole physical wellbeing are truely enormous! If you find difficulty in achieving this, look for things that you love to do, look at things you've never dared to do and step out... go for it! Express Yourself Expressing yourself clearly and honestly is the key to maintaining good relations with others. Be warm, be kind, honest and where necessary firmly maintain your boundaries. Listen Always listen and be aware. Listen to your body, listen to your instincts, listen to others. By listening, we become aware and even if at times we don't agree with what we hear, we have an opportunity to prevent misunderstanding or problems before they become less manageable. By listening we have the possibility of learning so much! Be Kind Always be kind. Even if you are having to enforce one of your boundaries do so kindly. Once you start operating from a loving place of the heart, this will occur naturally. Show Your Appreciation When people help you, or show some kindness; remember to say thank-you. By showing your appreciation, you not only reinforce such kind behaviour, but your kind word will give them joy too! Give genuine compliments and share a smile! Maintain Your Mental Health Time to Relax Take time to relax and unwind. Find something relaxing to do that you really enjoy and spoil yourself... you're worth it! It does'nt matter what it is, a bubble bath, a massage or just quietly reading a book, give yourself this important time. It is a gift to yourself and reinforces your own sense of self worth. Have fun! Take Quiet Time Whenever things are getting on top of you or you are feeling stresses, find somwhere quiet away form all noise and where you feel safe, secure and will not be disturbed. This is your thinking time, time to evaluate and access what's been going on. It is a great time to meditate. Many of the key principles for success I have outlined require that you use this kind of moment to honestly evaluate yourself and events and to get in touch with your authentic self (inner-child). Very few of us take enough quiet time in our lives, often being too busy rushing around without taking the time to really consider where we are going or even if we really want to get there. Take quiet time for yourself. Journaling Journaling is where you write down the thoughts, feelings, ideas, eventsand other experiences that may have occurred in the day. Your journal is a safe place for you explore and clarify your life and priorities, enabling you to make choices and to take action based on those choices. It will give you a sense of direction, help you learn from mistakes of the past, and greatly reduce your stress level. More on journaling... Look After Your Body! Eat a good diet Your diet is essential to your health, far more important in my view than is properly recognised by most societies today. If you want to perform well and to maintain yourself at peak fitness and health, you must take the time to eat well. Go for healthy nutritional foods avoid sugar and fatty foods. I do not generally advocate taking tablets for anything if you can help it, but taking vitamin tablets is one way of ensuring that you at least receive your minimum daily vitamin and mineral supplements ( do NOT use this as an excuse for not to eating good food). Exercise Regularly There is simply no getting away from this one! You must exercise every day if you can and exercise heavily every other day( out of breath - minimum 20 minutes) to maintain your peak mental and physical state. If you have not exercised recently, start slowly and always exercise within your own ability. If you have any kind of health issue, speak to your doctor about your plans and agree a suitable exercise regime between you. Exercise effectively dissipates physical and emotional stress; speeds up the metabolism, enhances the production of endorphins, and relieves muscular tension and basically leaves you feeling great! Even if your life or your choices do not permit you to commit to regular exercise periods, you must exercise. So find ways of naturally incorporating exercise into your daily routine. Be creative... Buy a pedometer and resolve to but 10,000 steps on it each day! Get Plenty of Sleep An adult normally requires between 7-8 hours of sleep a night. Sleep allows the body time to heal, renew itself and to restore energy. Always try to get enough sleep and take a short nap (20 mins) if you need it to renew your energy in the daytime. To ensure a good sleep pattern avoid eating or exercising 2-3 hours before bedtime, never watch the news after 6.00pm if you can help it and spend a few minutes doing something quiet and relaxing before going to sleep; your journal perhaps or an inspiration book. Drink Water And lots of it, 2 litres a day of clean cool water! Tea, coffee, squash,juice, fizzy drinks.... none of these count! Water is a delicious and very refeshing drink and is fantastic for the body, helping to detox the body on a continuous basis. Try it, see how you feel after just 2-3 days. Nurture Your Spirit Do Your Affirmations Keep up your affirmations, allow their positive messages to keep you inspired and moving forward. Read Positive or Inspirational Material Find positive books and other inspirational materials to read. They will provide continuous reinforcement and support for yourself and keep you feeling motivated.