Sunday, November 20, 2011

Facts on Stalking

547 women and 76 men sought support for stalking from NHCADSV member crisis programs.

Of those who sought services in 2006, 39% of female victims and 21% of male victims were stalked by current or former intimate partners. Seventy-nine percent of male victims and 58% female victims were stalked by a non-intimate partner.i

Stalking in the U.S.

1 in 12 women and 1 in 45 men are stalked annually in the United States.

87% of stalkers are male, 78% of victims are female.ii

Most stalkers know their victims. 59% of female victims are stalked by current or former intimate partners. In about half the cases the stalking behavior begins while the relationship is still intact.iii

There is a strong link between stalking and other forms of violence. Among female stalking victims, 81% were also physically assaulted, and 31% were also sexually assaulted.iv

54% of homicide victims reported stalking to police before they were killed by their stalkers.v

Stalking is a significant risk factor for homicide in abusive relationships. vi

Stalkers with a prior intimate relationship are more likely to verbally intimidate and physically harm their victims than stranger stalkers.vii

A clinical study found that stalkers most often used a telephone as a medium of communication, and nearly half of stalkers sent unsolicited gifts to their victims.viii

One study found restraining orders against stalkers were violated an average of 40% of the time. In almost 21% of cases, the victim perceived that the stalking behavior following the implementation of the order worsened.ix

Impact on Victims               

The prevalence of anxiety, insomnia, social dysfunction, and severe depression is much higher among stalking victims than the general population, especially if the stalking involves being followed or having one’s property destroyed.x

30% of female victims and 20% of male victims sought psychological counseling.xi

56% of women stalked took some type of self protective measure; nearly a fifth relocated.xii

Stalking and Young People

30% of teens say they are text messaged 10, 20, and 30 times an hour by a partner inquiring where they are, what they’re doing, or who they’re with.xiii

Acquaintance and intimate partner stalking is very common on college campuses. One study found that over 80% of campus stalking victims were acquainted with their stalkers.xiv

A survey of undergraduates revealed that 20% had been stalked or harassed by a current or former dating partner, 8% had initiated stalking or harassment and 1% had been both the target and the initiator


Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Characteristics of Abusers

 

If the person you love or live with does these things, it’s time to get help:
  • Keeps track of what you are doing all the time and criticizes you for little things.
  • Constantly accuses you of being unfaithful.
  • Prevents or discourages you from seeing friends or family, or going to work or school.
  • Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs.
  • Controls all the money you spend.
  • Humiliates you in front of others.
  • Destroys your property or things that you care about.
  • Threatens to hurt you or the children or pets, or does cause hurt (by hitting, punching, slapping, kicking, or biting).
  • Uses or threatens to use a weapon against you.
  • Forces you to have sex against your will.
  • Blames you for his/her violent outbursts.

Characteristics of Abusers...Warning signs of potential violence:

  • Abuser pacing the floor
  • Clenching/unclenching fists
  • Facial expression (glaring)
  • Shouting/yelling
Always be conscious of your own safety needs in all interactions involving an abusive person.  Do not meet privately with a violence-prone individual.  If you must do so, be sure someone is available close by in case you need help.

Abusers frequently have the following characteristics:

  • Often blow up in anger at small incidents. He or she is often easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really very angry.
  • Are excessively jealous: At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser may claim that jealousy is a sign of his or her love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love.
  • Like to isolate victim: He or she may try to cut you off from social supports, accusing the people who act as your support network of "causing trouble."
  • Have a poor self-image; are insecure.
  • Blame others for their own problems.
  • Blame others for their own feelings and are very manipulative. An abusive person will often say "you make me mad", "you’re hurting me by not doing what I ask", or "I can’t help being angry".
  • Often are alcohol or drug abusers.
  • May have a family history of violence.
  • May be cruel to animals and/or children. 
  • May have a fascination with weapons.
  • May think it is okay to solve conflicts with violence.
  • Often make threats of violence, breaking or striking objects.
  • Often use physical force during arguments.
  • Often use verbal threats such as, "I’ll slap your mouth off", "I’ll kill you", or "I’ll break your neck". Abusers may try to excuse this behaviour by saying, "everybody talks like that". 
  • May hold rigid stereotypical views of the roles of men and women. The abuser may see women as inferior to men, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without a relationship.
  • Are very controlling of others.  Controlling behaviours often grow to the point where victims are not allowed to make personal decisions.
  • May act out instead of expressing themselves verbally.
  • May be quick to become involved in relationships.  Many battered women dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or living together.
  • May have unrealistic expectations. The abuser may expect his or her partner to fulfill all his or her needs. The abusive person may say, “If you love me, I’m all you need- you’re all I need". 
  • May use "playful" force during sex, and/or may want to act out sexual fantasies in which the victim is helpless.  
  • May say things that are intentionally cruel and hurtful in order to degrade, humiliate, or run down the victim’s accomplishments.
  • Tend to be moody and unpredictable. They may be nice one minute and the next minute explosive. Explosiveness and mood swings are typical of men who beat their partners.
  • May have a history of battering: the abuser may admit to hitting others in the past, but will claim the victim “asked for” it.  An abuser will beat any woman he is with; situational circumstances do not make a person abusive.

How dangerous is the abuser? Assessing lethality in an abuse situation:

Some domestic violence is life threatening. All domestic violence is dangerous, but some abusers are more likely to kill than others and some are more likely to kill at specific times. The likelihood of homicide is greater when the following factors are present:
  1. Threats of homicide or suicide: The abuser may threaten to kill himself, the victim, the children, relatives, friends, or someone else;
  2. Plans for homicide or suicide: The more detailed the abuser’s plan and the more available the method, the greater the risk he will use deadly force;
  3. Weapons: The abuser possesses weapons, and has threatened to use them in the past against the victim, the children, or himself. If the abuser has a history of arson, fire should be considered a weapon;
  4. "Ownership" of the victim: The abuser says things like "If I can’t have you no one can" or "I would rather see you dead than have you divorce me". The abuser believes he is absolutely entitled to the obedience and loyalty of the victim;
  5. Centrality of victim to the abuser: The abuser idolizes the victim, depending heavily on him or her to organize and sustain the abuser’s life, or the abuser isolates the victim from outside supports;
  6. Separation violence: The abuser believes he is about to lose the victim;
  7. Repeated calls to law enforcement: A history of violence is indicated by repeated police involvement;
  8. Escalation of risk-taking: The abuser has begun to act without regard to legal or social consequences that previously constrained his violence; and
  9. Hostage taking: He is desperate enough to risk the life of innocent persons by taking hostages.  There is a very serious likelihood of the situation turning deadly.

Battered and Abused Men:

Most of us recognize that men experience verbal and emotional abuse at the hands of women, less well accepted or admitted is the fact of physical abuse. In our society, we think of women as the victims and men as the aggressors in physical abuse.  The fact that women are more likely to be severely injured in domestic violence adds to the problem of recognizing male abuse.  Nevertheless, it happens - frequently.  In fact, men are just as likely to be seriously injured when a woman becomes violent because women are more likely to use weapons in the course of an assault.  If a male client indicates that his girlfriend or partner assaulted him, believe him.  A man will find it harder to discuss his pain with you than will a woman, and even harder to admit to being a victim. It is easier to attribute an injury to a sports mishap or workplace accident than to admit to a doctor or police officer it resulted from domestic violence.

Facts:

  1. Fewer men report abuse. They are ashamed to report being abused by women.
  2. Health care and law enforcement professionals are more likely to accept alternative explanations of abuse from a man. They will believe other reasons for the presence of bruises and other signs of injury.
  3. Our justice system often takes the word of the woman above the word of the man in abuse cases. It is just more believable that the aggressor was the man, not the woman.
  4. Men are more likely to tolerate the pain of abuse than women. They "grin and bear it” more. And again, many are ashamed to seek medical help for abuse.
  5. Unless a woman uses a weapon, she usually does not have the strength to inflict injury.
Abused men are as likely as their female counterparts are to have low self-esteem.  People can come to believe that they are somehow responsible for what happened.  People cling to the hope that things will get better: that the woman he "loves" will quit when their relationship is better adjusted, or the children get older and show more responsibility.  These are all pretty much the same excuses women make for remaining with men who batter them.

Are you abused?  Does the person you love…

  • "Track" all of your time?
  • Constantly accuse you of being unfaithful?
  • Discourage your relationships with family and friends?
  • Prevent you from working or attending school?
  • Criticize you for little things?
  • Become angry easily when drinking or abusing drugs?
  • Control all finances and force you to account for what you spend?
  • Humiliate you in front of others?
  • Destroy your personal property or items with sentimental value?
  • Hit, punch, slap, kick, or bite you or the children?
  • Use or threaten to use a weapon against you?
  • Threaten to hurt you or hurt the children?
  • Force you to have sex against your will?

Below is a list of things Jerry can do to help himself:

  • Tell friends he trusts.
  • Make safety arrangements such as:
    • Leaving the relationship;
    • Finding a safe place to go; and
    • Changing his phone number and/or locks.
  • Telephone a domestic violence hotline or shelter and:
    • Talk to a worker;
    • Find out about his legal rights; or
    • See a counsellor - separately or with Lisa. 
  • Gain the support of witnesses, when possible.
  • Take notes detailing dates, times and what occurred.
  • Phone 911 when Lisa becomes physically abusive.

Abuse Checklists:

Below is a self-assessment quiz to help you determine if you are being abused. You may be suffering abuse even if you answer, “Yes” to only a few questions.

You may be becoming or already are a victim of abuse if you:

  • Feel like you have to "walk on eggshells" to keep him/her from getting angry and are frightened by his/her temper.
  • Feel you can't live without him/her.
  • Stop seeing other friends or family, or give up activities you enjoy because he/she doesn't like them.
  • Are afraid to tell him/her your worries and feelings about the relationship.
  • Are often compliant because you are afraid to hurt his/her feelings; and have the urge to "rescue" him/her when he/she is troubled.
  • Feel that you are the only one who can help him/her and that you should try to "reform" him/her.
  • Find yourself apologizing to yourself or others for your partner's behaviour when you are treated badly.
  • Stop expressing opinions if he/she doesn't agree with them.
  • Stay because you feel he/she will kill him/herself if you leave.
  • Believe that his/her jealousy is a sign of love.
  • Have been kicked, hit, shoved, or had things thrown at you by him/her when he/she was jealous or angry.
  • Believe the critical things he/she says to make you feel bad about yourself.
  • Believe that there is something wrong with you if you don't enjoy the sexual things he/she makes you do.
  • Believe in the traditional ideas of what a man and a woman should be and do -- that the man makes the decisions and the woman pleases him.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

17 Signs of a Battering Personality


Victims should know how to predict whether or not they are becoming involved with an abuser. There is no typical victim or perpetrator. A person can be battered, regardless of gender, age, race, nationality, sexual orientation, educational background, or socioeconomic level. Below is a list of behaviors that may be seen in people who beat their partners. In some cases, a batterer may only have a couple of behaviors a victim can recognize, but they are often very exaggerated (e.g. extreme jealously over ridiculous things). In the beginning of a relationship, these behaviors can be “explained” by the batterer as "love and concern." As time goes on, the batterer’s behaviors become more extreme and serve to establish and maintain power and control over the victim.
  1. JEALOUSY: At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser may say that jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love; it’s a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. The abuser will question the victim about who he/she talks to, accusations of flirting are often heard, or the abuser may express resentment of time he/she spends with family, friends, or children. As jealousy progresses, the abuser may call frequently or drop by unexpectedly. The abuser may refuse to let the victim work for fear he/she will meet someone else, or even do strange things such as checking the car mileage or asking friends to "spy."
  2. CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR: At first the batterer will say that this behavior is because of concern for the victim’s safety and well-being. The abuser will be angry if the victim is “late” and will question whereabouts, who was seen or spoken to, etc. As this behavior gets worse, the abuser may not allow the victim to make personal decisions about the house, for example, what clothes to wear, or decisions about going to church. An abuser may keep all of the money or even make the victim ask permission to leave the house or room.
  3. QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Many victims dated or knew their abusers for less than six months before they were married, engaged, or living together. An abuser may come on like a whirlwind, claiming, "You’re the only person I could ever talk to"; or "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." The abuser may pressure a victim to commit to the relationship in such a way that brings about feelings of guilt if the victim wants to slow down involvement or break off the relationship at a later date.
  4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Abusive persons may expect the victims to meet all of their needs. The abuser may expect the man/woman to be the perfect husband/wife, father/mother, lover, friend, and will say things like, "If you love me, I’m all you need—you’re all I need."
  5. ISOLATION: The abusive person may try to cut the victim off from all resources. A victim is often encouraged and even kept away from family members. The abuser may accuse friends and family of "causing trouble." The abuser may want to live in the country without a phone, may limit access to the car or not have one that is reliable, or keep the victim from working, attending school, going to church, or becoming involved in any community activity.
  6. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS: If the abuser is chronically unemployed, someone is out to get him/her; someone is always doing him/her wrong. The abuser may make mistakes and then blame the victim for upsetting him/her, thus hindering concentration on work. The abuser may tell the victim that he/she is at fault for almost anything that goes wrong.
  7. BLAMES OTHERS FOR FEELINGS: The abuser may tell the victim, "You make me so mad," "you’re hurting me by not doing what I tell you," or "I can’t help being angry." The abuser makes the decision about what he/she feels, but will use feelings to manipulate the victim. Less obvious are claims such as, "You make me happy," or "You control how I feel."
  8. HYPERSENSITIVITY: An abuser is easily insulted, claiming his/her feelings are hurt when he/she is really mad or taking the slightest setbacks as personal attacks. The abuser will rant and rave about the injustice of things that happen, things that are really just a part of life, such as being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, being told a behavior is annoying, or being asked to help with chores.
  9. CRUELTY TO CHILDREN AND ANIMALS: The abuser may expect children to do things beyond their ability (e.g. spanks a 2-year old for wetting a diaper), or the abuser may tease children or young brothers and sisters until they cry (65% of those who beat their partners will also abuse their children). The abuser may not want the children to eat at the table or will expect them to stay in their room all evening while the abuser is home. This is also a person who punishes animals brutally, is insensitive to their pain and suffering, or may even kill a victim’s pet to hurt him/her.
  10. "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE IN SEX: This kind of person may like to throw the victim down or hold them down during sex. The abuser may want to act out fantasies during sex where the victim is helpless and the idea of rape is exciting. The abuser may show little concern about whether the victim wants to have sex and will use sulking behavior or anger to manipulate the victim into compliance. The abuser may attempt having intercourse while the victim is sleeping or demand sex when he/she is ill or tired.
  11. VERBAL ABUSE: In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, this can be seen when the abuser degrades the victim by cursing or minimizing accomplishments. The abuser may tell the victim that he/she is stupid and unable to function without him/her. This may involve waking up the victim or keeping the victim from sleeping.
  12. RIGID SEX ROLES: The abuser may expect the victim to serve him/her, perhaps saying that the victim must be obedient in all things, including things that are criminal in nature. The abuser may see the victim as inferior, responsible for menial tasks, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without the relationship.
  13. DR. JEKYLL & MR. HYDE: Many victims are confused by their abusers’ sudden mood changes -- they may think that the abuser is exploding. "Explosiveness" and "moodiness" are typical of people who abuse their partners and these behaviors are related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity.
The following four signs are found in those who are certainly batterers:
  1. PAST BATTERING: An abuser may admit to battery in the past, but that it was only one time and certainly not his/her fault. The victim may hear from relatives or ex-partners that the person is abusive. A batterer will beat anyone if the relationship lasts long enough. Stressful circumstances do not make a person abusive.
  2. THREATS OF VIOLENCE: This includes any threat of physical force meant to control the victim, such as "I’ll knock your head off," "I’m going to kill you," "I’ll break your neck." Though most people do not threaten their partners, a batterer will try to excuse threats by saying, "everybody talks like that."
  3. BREAKING OR STRIKING OBJECTS: This behavior is used as punishment (e.g. breaking loved possessions), but is used mostly to terrorize the victim into submission. The abuser may beat on tables with a fist or throw objects around or near the victim. Again, this is a very remarkable behavior -- not only is this a sign of extreme emotional immaturity, but there is great danger when people think they have the right to punish or frighten their partners.
  4. ANY USE OF FORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT: This may involve a batterer holding a victim down, physically restraining the victim from leaving the room, or any pushing or shoving. The abuser may hold the victim against the wall and say, "You’re going to listen to me."

If you or someone you know needs help, please call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

By: Project for Victims of Family Violence, Inc.
Posted: 0--Dec-2003

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

STEPS TO KEEPING WOMEN SAFE

Have you ever felt frightened or intimidated when out walking alone? Have you ever wondered what you should do if approached by an attacker? Have you ever worried about becoming yet another home invasion statistic?
The sad reality is that we live in an increasingly violent society in which the fear of crime is ever-present. Personal safety has become an issue of importance for everyone, but especially for women. Concerned about this state of affairs, Sgt. Darren Laur and his wife Beth Laur began teaching self-defence classes and safety seminars in 1993, and have since reached thousands of women. The demand they saw for reliable safety information, coupled with the need to debunk widespread myths regarding self-defence measures, convinced the two experts to write a book.
The following points are ten things that every woman should know about personal safety, and are covered in the Laurs’ newly published book, Total Awareness: A Woman’s Safety Book:

1. Awareness: Your first line of defence. Most people think of kicks to the groin and blocking punches when they hear the term “self-defence.” However, true self-defence begins long before any actual physical contact. The first, and probably most important, component in self-defence is awareness: awareness of yourself, your surroundings, and your potential attacker’s likely strategies.

The criminal’s primary strategy is to use the advantage of surprise. Studies have shown that criminals are adept at choosing targets who appear to be unaware of what is going on around them. By being aware of your surroundings and by projecting a “force presence,” many altercations which are commonplace on the street can be avoided.
2. Use your sixth sense. “Sixth sense.” “Gut instinct.” Whatever you call it, your intuition is a powerful subconscious insight into situations and people. All of us, especially women, have this gift, but very few of us pay attention to it. Learn to trust this power and use it to your full advantage. Avoid a person or a situation which does not “feel” safe–you’re probably right.
3. Self-defense training. It is important to evaluate the goals and practical usefulness of a women’s self-defense program before signing up. Here are two tips:
a) Avoid martial arts studios unless you specifically wish to train in the traditional martial arts techniques and are prepared for a long-term commitment. Many women’s self-defense programs teach watered-down martial arts techniques that are complex and unrealistic under the stress of an actual attack;
b) The self-defense program should include simulated assaults, with a fully padded instructor in realistic rape and attack scenarios, to allow you to practice what you’ve learned.
4. Escape: Always your best option. What if the unthinkable happens? You are suddenly confronted by a predator who demands that you go with him–be it in a car, or into an alley, or a building. It would seem prudent to obey, but you must never leave the primary crime scene. You are far more likely to be killed or seriously injured if you go with the predator than if you run away (even if he promises not to hurt you). Run away, yell for help, throw a rock through a store or car window–do whatever you can to attract attention. And if the criminal is after your purse or other material items, throw them one way while you run the other.
5. Your right to fight. Unfortunately, no matter how diligently we practice awareness and avoidance techniques, we may find ourselves in a physical confrontation. Whether or not you have self-defence training, and no matter what your age or physical condition, it is important to understand that you CAN and SHOULD defend yourself physically. You have both the moral and legal right to do so, even if the attacker is only threatening you and hasn’t struck first. Many women worry that they will anger the attacker and get hurt worse if they defend themselves, but statistics clearly show that your odds of survival are far greater if you do fight back. Aim for the eyes first and the groin second. Remember, though, to use the element of surprise to your advantage–strike quickly, and mean business. You may only get one chance.
6. Pepper spray: Pros and cons. Pepper spray, like other self-defence aids, can be a useful tool. However, it is important to understand that there can be significant drawbacks to its use. For example, did you know that it doesn’t work on everyone? Surprisingly, 15-20% of people will not be incapacitated even by a full-face spray. Also, if you’re carrying it in your purse, you will only waste time and alert the attacker to your intentions while you fumble for it. Never depend on any self-defence tool or weapon to stop an attacker. Trust your body and your wits, which you can always depend on in the event of an attack.
7. Home invasions: A crime on the rise. The primary way to prevent a home invasion is simply to never, ever open your door unless you either are certain you know who’s on the other side or can verify that they have a legitimate reason for being there (dressing up as a repair person or even police officer is one trick criminals use). In the event that an intruder breaks in while you’re home, you should have a safe room in your house to which you can retreat. Such a room should be equipped with a strong door, deadbolt lock, phone (preferably cell phone), and a can of pepper spray or fire extinguisher.
8. Avoiding a car-jacking. Lock all doors and keep windows up when driving. Most car-jackings take place when vehicles are stopped at intersections. The criminals approach at a 45-degree angle (in the blind spot), and either pull you out of the driver’s seat or jump in the passenger’s seat.
9. A travel tip. Violent crimes against women happen in the best and worst hotels around the world. Predators may play the part of a hotel employee, push their way through an open or unlocked door, or obtain a pass key to the room. As with home safety, never open your door unless you are certain the person on the other side is legitimate, and always carry a door wedge with you when you travel. A wedge is often stronger than the door it secures.
10. Safety in cyberspace. Although the Internet is educational and entertaining, it can also be full of danger if one isn’t careful. When communicating on-line, use a nickname and always keep personal information such as home address and phone number confidential. Instruct family members to do the same. Keep current on security issues, frauds, viruses, etc. by periodically referring to “The Police Notebook” Internet Safety Page

Sunday, November 6, 2011

God's Perfect Time

I don't know about you, but I am an impatient type of person and like things done in my own way and in my own time. Are you waiting for God to answer your prayers right now? Maybe you are not waiting for God, but still things are not happening the way you hope or expect them to. Does it seem like your hopes and dreams are never going to be fulfilled? Maybe you are waiting to meet 'Mr Right' or you are longing to have a child? You want that promotion/job at work or you are desperate to buy your own home?

Sometimes it's hard to understand why God doesn't allow things to happen straightaway. An important lesson that I am continuing to learn each day is that God works things out in his own perfect timing. Trusting in God, I believe is the key to success and happiness in life.
Whatever the issue you are facing, first bring it to the Lord in prayer. Is it really what he wants you to be hoping for? Psalm 37:4 tells us ...
'Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.'
Wow! What an amazing promise. If you delight yourself in God he will give you what you want, that is the desires of your heart. Don't get me wrong, He isn't going to start giving you the best cars, the nicest house and lots of material things, because God isn't concerned with those things. He wants you to 'delight' in Him, ie. to seek Him and to love Him and spend time with Him in prayer and Bible study. If you are seeking after God in this way, the desires you'll have will be to serve him and to always live according to what the Bible says. It is important that you trust in God's word and not rely solely on your feelings, for example, God won't give you the desire to date or marry a non-believer ... 1 Corinthians 6:14 ..'Do not be yoked together with unbelievers'.
God has promised to give you the desires of your heart, but it may take a while for those desires to come to fruition. Psalm 37 goes on to say ...
'Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.' (NIV).
Commit your hopes and dreams to God. The most important point to remember is that God loves you. You are His child and He wants the best things for you.
God will work things out in your life if you trust in him. It is possible that you may have to go through certain trials and wait for his answers ... 'And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.' Romans 8:28 (NKJV).
God has plans for your life. He knows everything about you. He made you. He loves you, as the following selection of verses from Psalm 139 confirms ...
'O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.'
Remember, God has plans for your life and wants the best for you. He allowed his Son to die so that your sins could be forgiven. In Jeremiah 29:11 is says ... 'For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'
The hope and promise that God gives us is that one day we will spend eternity with him in Heaven. This life on earth is temporary. What an amazing hope this is. But for now while we live on earth we need to seek after God and wait for God's perfect timing.
.
'But those who wait on the LORD Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.' (Isaiah 40:31) (NKJV).
Wait on the Lord. Be patient. Trust in God's perfect timing and he will answer you. Then you will hear him directing you
'Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, This is the way; walk in it.' (Isaiah 30:21)
We need to wait on the Lord and trust that his perfect timing is best. God's word warns us not to try and speed things up and do things in our own strength ... 'There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.' (Proverbs 16:25)
There is a right time for everything. A right time to get married, a right time to have a baby, a right time to do everything. Ecclesiastes 3:1 says ...
'There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven.' (NIV).
God's answer to your prayer maybe to wait for a time before he gives you your desires. Every gift that comes from God is worth waiting for. In the Bible, there are lots of examples of God providing women's deepest desires. In 1 Samuel we read how Hannah wept and prayed out of great anguish before the Lord for a child and God answered her prayers. In the book of Esther we read how God called Esther to a position of influence for 'such a time' and used her to save the Jewish people.
Habakkuk 2:3 tells us ...
'For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay.'

Thursday, November 3, 2011

5 Steps to Overcome Fear of Failure

Fear invades like a sudden fog, limiting your view and clouding your reasoning. When you are caught disoriented, can you find your way out? Does fear paralyze you into retreat, or do you know the way to push on? Fear of failure affects everyone. When you recognize it in your own life, you can take these 5 steps to see above it, get through it, and achieve your goals.


1. Identify it. What is it you are most afraid of? Are you worried your business may fail? Are you scared you will never find a special someone, or you will lose your loved one? Do you have personal worries that occupy your thoughts? Where in your life is fear of failure diverting your focus and preventing your success? Pray, think, and listen. Let God show you the fear, and then discover how to be free.
Fear of failure may look like:
Procrastination. Do you wait until the last minute, so your perfectionist self will have an excuse if you do fail? In doing so, you create the failure you hope to avoid.
Inaction. Are your insecurities or uncertainties overwhelming you? Do you allow fear to paralyze you, and miss great opportunities? Fear of success is really fear of failing if you succeed.
Over-reaction. Are you angry, defensive, or acting aggressive? If you are afraid of failure, you might notice your reactions seem harsher than situations merit. Is your fear causing you to react instead of respond to life?
Addiction. Do you manage your stress with self-destructive habits? Are you numbing your fear because you feel helpless to overcome it?

2. Evaluate it. If you stand on unstable ground at the edge of a cliff, fear sends adrenaline through your body and alerts you to danger. You can use that fear to step back to firm ground, or you can ignore it and fall. All the positive thinking in the world will not keep you from falling once your foot slips. Before you use these 5 steps to push on, be sure you should. Fear is your body’s warning siren, and it can go off even when it does not need to sound. Is God using fear to warn you that your choice is harmful, or do you need to press on despite the fear, and triumph through it towards your goals? Life lessons can make you too cautious, and the fear of risk may lead you to miss many wonderful opportunities. Life needs balance. If you determine you need to get past the fear, you can do it!
In order to focus on the positive and press on through the fear, you must first understand it. What is the worst that can happen? Write down exactly what it will mean if you fail. Then look at your answer, and get more specific. If you think the world will end, what do you mean by this? Will you lose your house, your family, your health, or your life? Will you lose your reputation, or create an undesired one? Are you afraid failure will confirm all the negative thoughts you believe about yourself? Are you thinking that by failing, you become a failure? Figure out the messages and warnings your fear sends you.

3. Re-interpret it. Once you know the messages fear sends, create positive messages to replace them. You may fail, but each failure brings you closer to success. Your identity is not dependent on your failures. You are what you decide to be. Face your fear and be a success. Get support from other who will encourage you, but be your own best cheerleader.
Fear is your friend. If it warns you of decisions that do not fit with your life purpose, it helps you live without regret as you change course. If fear tries to cloud your way and you must forge through to succeed, it gives you opportunity to improve, get past your past, and become a better person. The secret to living free from negative effects of fear is to embrace it.
When I first started my own business, I was in a new state, and had no business contacts. I portrayed confidence to other professionals, but inside, I was worried. I made a choice from the start to let God take over the fear. I knew I had made the right choice to move, that I had a sound business plan, and that I had the ability and drive to succeed. I gave up worrying about the rest that I could not control. In reality this meant living on credit cards for the first few months, while I built up my client list. As I earned a reputation for my skill and professionalism, however, my business grew quickly, and I soon had to turn down work. Fear could have kept me from going out and offering my services if I let it. If others had seen a lack of confidence in my ability, they might have felt a lack of confidence in me as well. I chose to attract a positive response with positive thoughts, and to work at it with all my effort. I fought and won.

4. Disable it. Your past influences perception of your present. Like looking through a magnifying glass, danger can appear greater than it is when you exaggerate it because you are still trapped in the fear from your past. Take the insecurity or hurt of your past and fight to remove its strength. Trauma, loss, and painful circumstances all contribute to your view on reality. Even little events can lead to unconscious behavior in your present. As you discover ways fear is magnified disproportionately in your life, bring it back into proper perspective.
As a child I stepped barefoot into a pile of red ants. I still remember the pain that seemed to last forever, and the sadness at missing out on all the camping fun for the day as I nursed my foot. When I later had my own children, I found myself constantly looking for ants, and worried about where I stepped on every inch of the driveway. It was ridiculous, but I was not even aware I was doing it, until I noticed one of my children looking for ants. I suddenly stopped. They did too. I made a conscious choice to change this fear and remind myself that the rare experience I had is not easily repeated. Now, as I play with my children outside, we just have fun. If we spot a group of ants, we avoid them, but it is the last thing on our minds. Life is too short. Fear is not worth it. It has now lost its power.

5. Use it. What have you lost by letting fear confuse your way? Take the anger or frustration over your reactions and force it to motivate you to succeed in your future. Are you afraid to dream because of what obstacles you might face? Conquer fear and accomplish the amazing things only you can do. Start today.